blogs are funny because you are sending your whole heart into some crazy black whole where anyone with internet access can reach into the dusty corners of your mind and see what you’re up to. blogs are funny because sometimes it’s easier to write what you want to say instead of saying it. words have a strange power that way.
i guess i made this because there’s so much that is always bouncing around in my head, but more often than not i don’t know how to get it out. i don’t want to say it; if i say it then it becomes real. so how and why does typing it make it any different?
the nice thing about being online is that no one has to know who you are to know what is going on in your life. more even than those closest to you know. there’s really only one person ever who has been to the dusty dark parts of my mind and come back and still love me. i’ll call him R. he’s amazing. but there are things that i can’t say out loud, even 3 years later. why? because i don’t want to admit it’s real. fairly simple. so here it goes i guess. a nice lil list of the shit in my head at the moment that i’m too scared to say out loud:
- R is leaving after graduation and after that i don’t know when i’m going to see him again and that’s fucking terrifying because this guy has my whole fucking heart.
- i’m a selfish bitch and i want a ring from R, not like an engagement ring, but just something to wear and be able to see and reminds me of him when he’s gone.
- R and i broke up this semester because of graduation and his mom being sick and having to go home to his family (we got back together) which i understand and i get but like please don’t break up with me? i can tell you for damn sure that he’s the one i know i want to be with forever. like i’ll move to him (he is originally from out of state, we go to college together). i’ll wait a year at home and save up and then come. hell, i’ll wait two years if that’s what it takes. but i do not want to break up. he’s the one i know it. that’s part of why i want a ring because i want to know that he is committed to the future as well. but like still not an engagement ring. i just can’t fucking lose him. he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
- once when we were tripping he sort of proposed and said we should have a secret wedding and get married like in a court room and have a secret holiday just for us. i’d totally do that right this second if it meant a future with him forever.
- my student teaching placement makes me miserable. i do not want to go back to the classroom, and all i have ever wanted to do is teach. it’s because the two teachers i’m with are honestly awful people. i dread just seeing emails from them. the thought of seeing them on monday already brings a pit to my stomach.
- speaking of seeing them on monday, i have a huge race (my senior championship race) on friday which i emailed them about two days ago hoping to miss school for it. i haven’t miss any days and i think that i’ve been doing a fucking great job despite the terrible things they say about me. plus if i don’t go then my team doesn’t race and i can’t let them down like that. but also not having to see my teachers would be great. but part of me deep down thinks that they’ll say no because they honestly have it out to get me. they’re so hostile. more than anything i want them to say yes. but. they’re truly dreadful people.
well. that’s the basics. that’s what keeps me up at night. i’m so boring and lame, i know. i worry about my boyfriend and school and crew and that’s it. and teaching, but not in the classroom i’m in because that might just be the most godawful classroom ever.