i’ve actually ruined my life

so R broke up with me. there’s that. all because i’m such a drunken fucking moron. he left, he went back home (he’s not from here, we went to college together). and when he left, i was fucking miserable. i couldn’t stop crying and i still can’t stop crying. i cry at the most inconvenient times and i can’t help it. i just am so fucking weepy all the fucking time. so i went to a friends house and she just broke up with her boyfriend so naturally we drank several bottles of wine and cried. but we also both downloaded tinder. i don’t know why i thought that tinder would make me feel better because it really just made me feel worse. i kept pressing x (tbh i couldn’t figure out which way to swipe) and i kept searching for R . every person that came up was terrible. i know exactly what i want in a guy, and the thing is i know exactly who i want. i have zero desire to date. i can’t sleep on the right side of the bed even though i am home and in a new bed because that is his side of the bed. i fall asleep picturing him when he’s there, how much i love to be big spoon because i get to smell him and i fucking love his smell, how soft his skin is, holding him tightly and feeling him press up against me in return. and i wake up remembering how his face gets all squished in the morning and how his hair looks like a triangle, and how he always asks for “just 5 more minutes” but we both know it’ll be closer to 15. how the best part of my day was waking up next to him and how it was so worth being late if it meant we got to lay in bed and snuggle for a few more minutes. but i ruined everything because i fucking downloaded tinder for an hour thinking i would find some relief in knowing that there are other people out there as i wallowed in my loneliness but in reality all it did was reinforce what i already knew and that is that R is the one for me. now he hates me. he barely talks to me. i don’t blame him, but this is the fucking worst. after everything we have endured that life has thrown at us, of course it’s my fault in the end.

but wait! there’s more! not only did i download tinder, but one night after practice i was hungry. mind you, this is at like 9 at night because practice ends at 8:30. i want moes because i just really wanted nachos and they have chips and queso so close enough. i run into this guy who is lost, looking for who knows what, but wants to know where he can get ice cream, specifically a sundae (that’s important). i’m bored, i’m lonely, i decided why not help him out. i make awkward small talk, he makes awkward small talk, we walk into insomnia cookies. FUCKING OF COURSE there is R’s old roommate with his girlfriend. i say hi and then tell this guy that there are no sundaes here, but there is a place across the street that 100% does. IT STILL GETS BETTER. this guy is on a date. or was going to be until some girl saw us walk over. MIND YOU, I AM JUST TRYING TO GET CHIPS AND QUESO SO THAT I CAN GO HOME AND CRY AND EAT. so she starts screaming at me and at him. i get ice cream (because like lets be real, i love ice cream and maybe that’ll make me feel better. it doesn’t) and leave. but the damage is done. but also like, if you disregard everything and let’s say i am dating, why the fuck would i go on a date after practice??? the only thing i want to do is eat and sleep and it sucks that he doesn’t believe me. he knows me better than anyone.

R’s friends found my tinder, even though i deleted it the next day when i woke up. and of course his old roommate told him about what happened at insomnia cookies (i understand what it looked like, yes, but it wasn’t a date. i didn’t even know the stupid fucking guy). and now he hates me. like actually full on hates me. i don’t know what, if anything, i can do to fix this. if nothing else, at least he is still talking to me. barely, but it’s better than nothing. i need him to believe me. i need him to trust me. i need him to love me. i need him in my life. whenever i picture my future i picture it with him. now i don’t know what to do or what is going to happen. we made so many plans that i was so excited for.

i doubt he’ll ever see this. i doubt he’ll ever know how much this kills me. he texted me “you broke my fucking heart” and every time i think of that text i lose it. i need to see him.

i miss him so much it hurts. my heart aches. my body aches. i have so much love to give him that i want to give him for the rest of my life, that i am ready to give him for the rest of my life. i was supposed to visit at the end of june. it’s a month away. i really don’t pray, but i’m fucking praying that he lets me visit, even if it’s strictly platonic.

R, if you ever see this know that i love you endlessly and know that i hate myself more than you hate me right now. i don’t know what to do to fix this, but know that i am going to try everything that i can.

fuck man.

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