i didn’t think i would be okay

i didn’t think i would be okay after R broke up with me. i put too much faith in him and not that that’s a bad thing, but i forgot that life doesn’t always work according to plan. but, like, i’m fucking killing it! i’m going to europe next month with a guy that i think i like. lets call him U. i hate that i have moved on so quickly but the more i think about it, the more i realize how truly unhappy i was with R and how i counted on him to make me happy and it was unhealthy because in reality, he didn’t make me as happy as i could have been and as happy as i am. so i think i like U. but i don’t want to make assumptions that we are semi/actually exclusive but if we’re going to europe i’ve got to think that he probably likes me too as more than a hook up (but trust me, the hook up is great oh my god).

so there’s where i am. i’m happy, i’m traveling, i’m casually seeing a guy and i like casual because there’s no pressure to talk all the time (but it is nice to talk) and we hang out a lot, i stay over a decent amount. he asked about my scars once but was nice about me deflecting the question and didn’t push it. i don’t want to have the “what are we” talk though because i like what w have. i like it being relaxed. and honestly, he’s moving to boston in september for a job so like who even knows what will happen after that so i’ll enjoy where i’m at and yeah maybe summer is for sinning but damn i’m still fucking loving me and that’s what matters.

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things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good. ┬ánot to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

i will be okay

a few years ago if you put me in this situation i would have spiraled out of control the rabbit hole would be back & getting out would be rly hard but i’m not that person anymore i have healthier coping mechanisms i have a better support system i know myself & my limits & i know how i feel. doesn’t mean i don’t feel like shit doesn’t mean i know what to do but does mean that if nothing else i actually literally will survive this.

my breakup with ryan ended up in an overdose. my breakup with connor ended up being too close to stitches for comfort. my breakup with jack ended up with food being the one thing i had control over. but i refuse to be that person again i’ll 100% cry nonstop, i’ve already left class twice to hide in the bathroom & cry but i haven’t externalized (or internalized to an extent lol) anything and i don’t plan on it which i am proud of. haven’t acted on anything even though i’ve 127% wanted to.

if i can get through half the shit i’ve gotten through then i can get through this. i am a survivor i am a thriver i am going to be okay.

past years, past life

it’s days like these when i think back the most to the me i was 4 years ago. addicted to the rush of seeing myself bleed, addicted to the sting that came, addicted to seeing my flesh split open so easily. like cutting through butter once i figured out the right angle. it’s day like these where i stare at my body with morbid fascination, wondering where i could decorate myself but have no one see. i haven’t been this sick (because let’s face it that’s what it is. it’s an illness, an addiction, an obsession) in a long time. yeah i’ve slipped up here and there and made some shallow attempts of what i used to know but what i feel now? this is big this is too much this is not a feeling i ever wanted to feel again yet here i am.

that’s a different version of me, not one i want to be today. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to be better. i don’t want to be fixed because i’ll never be fixed because i’m not broken i’m just fucked up. also like, you can’t fix bipolar disorder even though i wish you could. i don’t want to go back to the old me. i’m trying really hard not to but asking for help is my least favorite thing ever. i dream in red. i scare myself. i know what i want to do but i won’t do it. i know who i want to talk to but i can’t do it.

all of these posts are stupid. i’m stupid. i don’t know why i bother with things because i don’t want to write it out on a website and still hide how i really feel. i want to be able to share it and talk about it and figure out what the fuck is going on. what a concept.

i’ll perseverate as much as i want to

i miss R. i actually can’t put into words the world of hurt that i am living in right now. i can’t eat or keep anything down. i feel like i’m on the verge of passing out way too often. he told me they are just friends but i don’t know. how can i know when he won’t talk to me? yesterday he told me i was too much. so i’ve tried to leave him alone but i can’t seem to do it. yeah, i’m crazy. yeah, people probably think i’m psychotic. but mother fucker i can’t get him out of my mind for more that 5 minutes at a time. after a conversation last night when he basically told me to fuck off i deleted everything off of my phone except for the longer messages i have saved in my notes because i don’t have the heart to delete them and i also just really don’t want to see them because i already cry all the time as it is, i don’t need to make it worse.

i want to apologize to him. all i wanted to do was help him and make him feel better and in reality i just made things worse and i made things harder and if he and this girl do become a thing part of me thinks it’s my fault or it will be my fault. i’m sorry for the pain he’s going through. i’m sorry that he has to go through what he’s going through because no one should have to go through that, especially at such a young age. i’m sorry that i don’t know what to do to help. i’m sorry i made everything worse. i’m sorry i can’t seem to stop myself from continuing to make things worse. i’m sorry for everything that is going on, i’m sorry i am part of it, i’m sorry he is feeling the way that he is. i’m sorry that i can’t take that pain away from him. i’m sorry that it won’t go away for a long time or really honestly it probably won’t go away ever.

i miss him. i want to throw up. i want to hurt honestly i want to make something feel different and that scares me. i want/need help but he won’t help me. he has his own shit to deal with and i don’t blame him. i only make things worse for him. i probably need to get over myself because i’m not going to make things better and i’m just going to continue to push him away and push him to her and i fucking hate her she infuriates me and she makes my blood boil because my god if she takes him from me i don’t know what i’ll do because i don’t know what feeling comes after the way i am feeling now and i don’t want to know.

i used to have a tumblr, on a different but eventually related tangent. i wrote on it, i cried over it, i cried because of it, i was able to freely write how i was feeling and when i was feeling shitty and couldn’t verbalize it because talking about it makes it real, i showed it to him. part of me wants to show R my blog. i won’t because it’ll most likely overwhelm him and then he’s really going to be gone forever but like.. maybe then we could talk.

i don’t know if he knows how badly everything that is going on with his mom fucked me up. i tried really hard to hide it, but every time after he got off the phone (when he used to talk to me) i sobbed and i cried and i still do whenever i think about it. i wanted so fucking badly to be close with her. i wanted so fucking badly to love her and be loved by her. i did, do, love her. i miss her so fucking much and i know it’s not as much as R misses her but it’s more than he realizes. and i worry about him because of it. i need to know he’s okay. i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore i just need to know he’s okay or he will be okay because there’s no way someone can be okay after something like this.

god i’m so fucking pathetic. i probably look so fucking stupid sitting over here waiting for someone who doesn’t even care anymore it seems like to love me back and to give me the time of day. i would really do pretty much anything to hug him one last time. to hear his laugh. to see his smile. to smell him (that sounds creepy but like he smells so good). i would do even more for one last kiss. one last touch. anything. i am so fucking miserable. i have never been this miserable. i don’t know if there’s much lower i can go but every time i think that, i fall deeper into the rabbit hole. if i talk to him though that’s probably the end. so instead i’ll sit and i’ll cry and i’ll wait desperately for the day he maybe will love me again because i’m always going to love him. if this is the end, he’s the one that got away. that’s something that literally gives me nightmares. i can’t take it anymore. i need him i need to know i need to be fucking loved. god i’m so fucking pathetic. i hate myself too. ironic because this was going to be the summer where i learned to love myself but all i’ve done is learned to hate myself more and more each day so that’s good

wasting time or what

everyone is telling me to move on. i know he’s seeing my messages. i know he’s making the decision not to answer them. i know he’s going out with people so i know he is on his phone. do i even matter? does he even care? does he still love me?

everyone is telling me to move on. so i asked him if i was wasting my time or if he found a new boo or whatever. i regret asking. i don’t want to know even though i do know he’s been getting scary close with an old friend that he used to have a thing with who is also now single. so. there’s that. awesome. this hurts the most because i thought she and i were friends. who fucking does that?!

everyone is telling me to move on. in my heart of hearts, i don’t want to. he’s the love of my life. i don’t want him to be the one that got away. but if it’s not a 2-way street then i can’t force it. i don’t want to give up, but if he already has then what the fuck am i doing?

a day in the sun

i took a day for me and i only cried twice (which is a personal record in the past 2 weeks!)!! i spent the first part of my morning at practice and honestly there is no better way to start a day than in a boat that trusts you and swings together and goes fast while drinking a coffee and watching the sunrise. ugh. i wish i could capture mornings like these and store them away for when i need a burst of happiness.

after practice, i spent the mid-morning laying out in my backyard reading books and drinking a mike’s hard lemonade. yeah it might have been 10am but let’s be honest. those are 100% more sugar than alcohol! i’m rediscovering my love of reading and getting lost in a good book. if anyone has any suggestions please lmk!!! i’m always on the search for a new book.

i ended the day at the beach with my brother (J) and some new friends i’ve made because one thing i want to do this summer is make more friends. it was a bit awkward but it was still fun. it was a great day to be at a beach. plus like i was enjoying myself and didn’t even think about how i was feeling in a swim suit which is huge i was just trying to make sure the frisbee didn’t hit me in the face and i didn’t fall into the water!

today was a good day. i can have good days i just need to make them good.

summer’s not just for sinning

i went to a park today to go for a run and visit the memorial bench of an old friend. it’s such a beautiful place to spend an afternoon. i had a lot to think about today, a big one being coming to terms with how i’ve been handling things lately and how i really haven’t been taking care of myself. so boys be damned this summer (and after R read my message he’s pretty peeved so idk what’s happening there so much fucking drama) i’m gong to learn to love me. if you asked me to list things i like about myself the list would be short and superficial. i am a good coxswain, i’m a good teacher, i’m good an annoying people, i’m good at crying, i’m good at binge watching netflix shows. if you asked me to list things i dislike about myself the list would be long and taxing and i’d really be able to show you how good i am at crying.

but, like, it shouldn’t be that way!!!! i need to learn to love myself. i need to learn to put me first. i need to learn what i want and do what i want. i need to spend the summer getting to know myself because that’s something i haven’t done in a long time and it’s something i think that i need. i’m going to travel, i’m going to learn how to do brush lettering (i’m really not too terrible for only doing it a few times), i’m going to smile, i’m going to go out with friends and stop cancelling because it’s always fun in the end.

summer’s not just for sinning, it’s also for learning to love, learning to live, and learning to let go

lonely

there’s a type of loneliness that can’t be filled by friends or family or a great job. there’s this deep loneliness that comes from losing something or someone and not knowing how to fill that void. people seek comfort in other people and they search for it in specific people. the thing is, i know exactly why i’m lonely. i see my friends all the time now and i go the extra mile and i don’t cancel when i’m tired because i know i need to be social and i know it’ll make me feel better. i have a great job that i love and i love my students and making a difference in their lives and seeing their smiling faces everyday and hearing the stories that they are so excited to tell me in the morning warms my heart and brings me so much joy. i am part of a great team and a great sport and i am surrounded with people who don’t take me for granted and who give me feedback and who build my confidence so that i can continue to be the best coxswain that i can be. but when i go to bed at night, i see the empty side of the bed. it’s silent in my room except for the sound of the ever whirring fan. it’s the worst feeling ever to know that if i roll over, i am rolling into an empty space, not the arms of someone i love dearly. he’s not there. and not only is he not there physically, but emotionally too. there’s so much shit going on in R’s life and i get it, i understand it. i’m not a bitch. but i am needy and i have needs to. and i try to leave him alone but i miss him so much and just for a few minutes a day i would love to feel like a priority to him. i know in my heart that i want to be with him forever. and call me crazy, but all i want right now is attention. something to hold on to. something to fill this void that is eating me from the inside out. i’ve started slipping back into some self-destructive tendencies and i know i am but i have no desire to stop. i’ve lost 12 pounds since moving home and i greatly look forward to losing more. i know i need to stop and to eat but like.. i don’t want to. i am so fucking empty inside that what’s the point of filling myself with food when food isn’t what i want? i feel like a shell in almost every aspect right now. and today i told him exactly how i felt about him and us and part of me regrets that because what if that’s the final straw and he thinks I’m too crazy? i want to go to him but i don’t want to burden him. i don’t want to push him away. he hardly talks to me as it is (mostly because he doesn’t have a phone ┬ábut even still. all i want is his attention for 10 minutes, 5 even, and to have a full conversation). i don’t know how he’s doing, i don’t know what’s going on in his life right now. i miss him. and yeah i probably sound crazy on here to but like who fucking cares anymore? might as well scream it to the fucking world that i am so beyond miserable and hurting so badly and the one person who can help isn’t there and i’m absolutely terrified that he’s going to forget about me.

i just want to know i’m loved and missed. i just want to know i’m cared for. i’m sick of being lonely. i’m sick of having an empty bed and silent evenings. i’m so fucking sick of feeling the way that i am feeling.

i don’t want to be lonely anymore i can’t do it i’m not a person who can be alone and not just because i’m a mental and emotional wreck. i don’t want to be alone but i don’t want to find solace in other people, not in the way that i crave it. there’s an R shaped hole in my heart and it’s fucking crushing me.