lonely

there’s a type of loneliness that can’t be filled by friends or family or a great job. there’s this deep loneliness that comes from losing something or someone and not knowing how to fill that void. people seek comfort in other people and they search for it in specific people. the thing is, i know exactly why i’m lonely. i see my friends all the time now and i go the extra mile and i don’t cancel when i’m tired because i know i need to be social and i know it’ll make me feel better. i have a great job that i love and i love my students and making a difference in their lives and seeing their smiling faces everyday and hearing the stories that they are so excited to tell me in the morning warms my heart and brings me so much joy. i am part of a great team and a great sport and i am surrounded with people who don’t take me for granted and who give me feedback and who build my confidence so that i can continue to be the best coxswain that i can be. but when i go to bed at night, i see the empty side of the bed. it’s silent in my room except for the sound of the ever whirring fan. it’s the worst feeling ever to know that if i roll over, i am rolling into an empty space, not the arms of someone i love dearly. he’s not there. and not only is he not there physically, but emotionally too. there’s so much shit going on in R’s life and i get it, i understand it. i’m not a bitch. but i am needy and i have needs to. and i try to leave him alone but i miss him so much and just for a few minutes a day i would love to feel like a priority to him. i know in my heart that i want to be with him forever. and call me crazy, but all i want right now is attention. something to hold on to. something to fill this void that is eating me from the inside out. i’ve started slipping back into some self-destructive tendencies and i know i am but i have no desire to stop. i’ve lost 12 pounds since moving home and i greatly look forward to losing more. i know i need to stop and to eat but like.. i don’t want to. i am so fucking empty inside that what’s the point of filling myself with food when food isn’t what i want? i feel like a shell in almost every aspect right now. and today i told him exactly how i felt about him and us and part of me regrets that because what if that’s the final straw and he thinks I’m too crazy? i want to go to him but i don’t want to burden him. i don’t want to push him away. he hardly talks to me as it is (mostly because he doesn’t have a phone  but even still. all i want is his attention for 10 minutes, 5 even, and to have a full conversation). i don’t know how he’s doing, i don’t know what’s going on in his life right now. i miss him. and yeah i probably sound crazy on here to but like who fucking cares anymore? might as well scream it to the fucking world that i am so beyond miserable and hurting so badly and the one person who can help isn’t there and i’m absolutely terrified that he’s going to forget about me.

i just want to know i’m loved and missed. i just want to know i’m cared for. i’m sick of being lonely. i’m sick of having an empty bed and silent evenings. i’m so fucking sick of feeling the way that i am feeling.

i don’t want to be lonely anymore i can’t do it i’m not a person who can be alone and not just because i’m a mental and emotional wreck. i don’t want to be alone but i don’t want to find solace in other people, not in the way that i crave it. there’s an R shaped hole in my heart and it’s fucking crushing me.

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