i’ll perseverate as much as i want to

i miss R. i actually can’t put into words the world of hurt that i am living in right now. i can’t eat or keep anything down. i feel like i’m on the verge of passing out way too often. he told me they are just friends but i don’t know. how can i know when he won’t talk to me? yesterday he told me i was too much. so i’ve tried to leave him alone but i can’t seem to do it. yeah, i’m crazy. yeah, people probably think i’m psychotic. but mother fucker i can’t get him out of my mind for more that 5 minutes at a time. after a conversation last night when he basically told me to fuck off i deleted everything off of my phone except for the longer messages i have saved in my notes because i don’t have the heart to delete them and i also just really don’t want to see them because i already cry all the time as it is, i don’t need to make it worse.

i want to apologize to him. all i wanted to do was help him and make him feel better and in reality i just made things worse and i made things harder and if he and this girl do become a thing part of me thinks it’s my fault or it will be my fault. i’m sorry for the pain he’s going through. i’m sorry that he has to go through what he’s going through because no one should have to go through that, especially at such a young age. i’m sorry that i don’t know what to do to help. i’m sorry i made everything worse. i’m sorry i can’t seem to stop myself from continuing to make things worse. i’m sorry for everything that is going on, i’m sorry i am part of it, i’m sorry he is feeling the way that he is. i’m sorry that i can’t take that pain away from him. i’m sorry that it won’t go away for a long time or really honestly it probably won’t go away ever.

i miss him. i want to throw up. i want to hurt honestly i want to make something feel different and that scares me. i want/need help but he won’t help me. he has his own shit to deal with and i don’t blame him. i only make things worse for him. i probably need to get over myself because i’m not going to make things better and i’m just going to continue to push him away and push him to her and i fucking hate her she infuriates me and she makes my blood boil because my god if she takes him from me i don’t know what i’ll do because i don’t know what feeling comes after the way i am feeling now and i don’t want to know.

i used to have a tumblr, on a different but eventually related tangent. i wrote on it, i cried over it, i cried because of it, i was able to freely write how i was feeling and when i was feeling shitty and couldn’t verbalize it because talking about it makes it real, i showed it to him. part of me wants to show R my blog. i won’t because it’ll most likely overwhelm him and then he’s really going to be gone forever but like.. maybe then we could talk.

i don’t know if he knows how badly everything that is going on with his mom fucked me up. i tried really hard to hide it, but every time after he got off the phone (when he used to talk to me) i sobbed and i cried and i still do whenever i think about it. i wanted so fucking badly to be close with her. i wanted so fucking badly to love her and be loved by her. i did, do, love her. i miss her so fucking much and i know it’s not as much as R misses her but it’s more than he realizes. and i worry about him because of it. i need to know he’s okay. i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore i just need to know he’s okay or he will be okay because there’s no way someone can be okay after something like this.

god i’m so fucking pathetic. i probably look so fucking stupid sitting over here waiting for someone who doesn’t even care anymore it seems like to love me back and to give me the time of day. i would really do pretty much anything to hug him one last time. to hear his laugh. to see his smile. to smell him (that sounds creepy but like he smells so good). i would do even more for one last kiss. one last touch. anything. i am so fucking miserable. i have never been this miserable. i don’t know if there’s much lower i can go but every time i think that, i fall deeper into the rabbit hole. if i talk to him though that’s probably the end. so instead i’ll sit and i’ll cry and i’ll wait desperately for the day he maybe will love me again because i’m always going to love him. if this is the end, he’s the one that got away. that’s something that literally gives me nightmares. i can’t take it anymore. i need him i need to know i need to be fucking loved. god i’m so fucking pathetic. i hate myself too. ironic because this was going to be the summer where i learned to love myself but all i’ve done is learned to hate myself more and more each day so that’s good

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