it’s been a while

it’s been a while since i’ve written anything. i have been so busy that sometimes i don’t even see my family for days on end. i leave before the sun is up, and i come home after the sun goes down. yes, it’s possible that i am doing too much, but if i don’t do too much then i think too much and i feel too much and i cannot. i have been so good about not crying and holding myself together, but tonight i am not so sure. sometimes when i’m really sad, i’ll wear one of R’s old shirts that i kept and i’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse but sometimes i just need to be close to someone who (used to) care and those shirts are about as close as i can get right now without spilling everything. i am afraid that once i start talking, the dam will break and i will break and i do not have time to break.

R has a new girlfriend. not that i’m salty but TB is gone and the guy i really like kind of has a girlfriend too. but that’s a whole fucking situation on its own that i am not sure how to deal with, other than tell him that he needs to figure his shit out (or tells me to leave him alone, but selfishly i want him to pick me. i’d make him so much happier) but it sucks a lot because i hate uncertainty and i hate being vulnerable and i am in a constant state of uncertainty and vulnerability right now. i can’t not be good enough again. i can’t. i have to be good enough for someone, right?

work is great. i love my job. i don’t have time to think or to feel, i just focus on my students and what is happening next. i worry that i won’t be good enough, that they won’t learn enough, that we are behind but i know that i wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think i could do it. the kids love me a lot. i love them a lot. i am terrified of failing myself, but mostly i am afraid of failing them.

crew is great. i am going to head of the charles again, this time in an eight. i’m fucking terrified. but i know that i’m good so i know i’ll be fine but i am still scared. i found a new team too and they are great. they are fast and they work hard. it’s so nice to be on a team that is close to my own age and wants to do well. it’s refreshing. it’s welcomed with open arms.

my love life is a mess. i am sad and alone and i don’t want to be. i don’t miss R but i miss not being alone. i haven’t been alone, really alone, this deep, disturbing, unsettling, uncomfortable alone in years. literal years. sleeping alone is miserable. going to wegmans alone is miserable. watching cartoons alone is miserable. i miss good morning and good night texts. i miss always having someone to turn to. i miss being loved. i don’t miss how i felt in the end of our relationship. it was an incredibly unhealthy relationship, but that’s a story for another time. a high time. i’m sick of silence.

everything is so great on the outside, but it’s nights like these when i actually have time to think that i realize just how good i am at holding myself together. writing is good for the soul though. write more.

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