the list

i was inspired by a friend to make a list of things i want to accomplish in life. so this will be a running tag, hopefully with some posts about accomplishments!!!!

  • travel to eastern europe
  • go sky diving
  • get married
  • have a family (2 kids, a dog)
  • move out of my parents house
  • be a year clean from cutting
  • find healthier eating habits
  • medal at head of the charles
  • take shrooms again
  • learn to ski
  • learn to snorkel
  • race at Henley
  • get 3 more tattoos
  • run a 5k race
  • run a half marathon race
  • run a marathon race
  • become a literacy specialist
  • do more yoga
  • write more
  • all of my students be at/above grade level at the end of the school year
  • move in with someone i love
  • be happy
  • find a long term solution to my scars, especially on my legs
  • ride a motorcycle
  • travel to australia
  • cross-country road trip
  • disney land california
  • hike in peru
  • buy a house
  • buy a car
  • be able to help my future children pay for college
  • learn a new language (tbd on specific language)
  • spend more time outside – go hiking more often
  • eat less sugar

okay that is all i have for now stay tuned folks

Advertisements

not just a booty call

i think i’ve been doing a decent job getting over R. i’m not 100% over him, i still hurt and i still cry more than i want to. but it’s progress. it’ll always be progress. but i can’t fixate on him because he is gone and he is happy.

i met a new guy. i feel like i say that a lot. i really liked this guy. like? i’m not sure. we have a pretty good thing going i think. i thought. i thought until the other day when i was over at his place and he made a weird comment about how we don’t even need to talk to make this work because we could just make out but like i like to talk? and then later a comment about being a booty call and the teasing earlier was unnecessary for a booty call. i don’t want to be a booty call. i want to be appreciated and i want to be LOVED. i’m not saying propose to me or ask me out, i’m saying get to know me and talk to me too. i like to cuddle, i like having my hair played with. i like to hear stories about your childhood. i like to hear what you would do on a rainy sunday when you don’t have work the next day. how do you take your coffee? what are your thoughts on music? on kanye? a fun fact about yourself? something that makes you unique? what’s on your bucket list? where do you see yourself in five years?

i am a lot of person, but one thing i most definitely am not is a booty call.

a story for another time

it’s time i write about R. really, truly, emotionally, soul-barringly (is that even a word?) write about R. the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. when we were up, it was magic. it lasted less than a year, the real ups. when he told me he loved me every day, when he told me i was beautiful even at 5 in the morning. when he went out of his way to do nice things.

then we broke up the first time. and he saw someone else behind my back. didn’t think much to tell me. instead i found out because she texted him again while i was using his computer. he didn’t even try to deny it. “i didn’t tell you because i didn’t think it was a big deal.” i should have broken up with him right then, but i crave attention. i crave being loved. i crave being wanted. i crave stability and comfort and connection. so i stayed.

we broke up again the january before our last semester. it lasted 3 days because i begged him to come back to me. i hate myself for lowering myself to that level. he clearly didn’t care. he clearly had no problem tossing me aside whenever he felt he could.

our relationship was unhealthy as soon as we got back together the first time. there wasn’t the same love, there wasn’t the same passion, there wasn’t the same anything from him. “people change” and yes, they do, but not to the extreme that he did. i thought that not much could be worse than the emotional abuse and distress that jack put me through. he was above and beyond the worst boyfriend ever, until R. it was like he found joy in making me cry. like he thought it was funny or entertaining to ignore me for days on end because he was “just being petty.” it wasn’t funny, or entertaining. it was draining. no matter what i did for him, i wasn’t good enough. and he let me know that on a regular basis. too many tears were shed over him, but i also know that many more are yet to come.

there are too many nights that i can think of too vividly where i needed his help, i needed his support, i needed him, and he blew me off. or told me to calm down. or told me “later.” or told me that it wasn’t a big deal. or told me to get over myself and stop making rash decisions. or told me that this was childish and he thought that i had moved on from destructive coping mechanisms to healthy ones and that i only did things for attention. do you know how low you have to feel to cut yourself open? it’s not something you do for attention. i can tell you exactly how i was feeling, exactly how i didn’t want to but i had to, exactly how i regretted every step i took but couldn’t turn back because the only way i knew to feel better was to feel worse. but yes. tell me again how i am doing this for attention. i might be crazy, but that’s fucking sick.

there were good things though. he encouraged me to break out of my shell, make new friends, try new and exciting things. some things have stuck, others have not. i learned the most about myself with him. i learned what i don’t deserve. i learned what i don’t want in a relationship. i learned that i have to put myself first because there are people in the world who will tell you that they love you and then tear you down every chance that they get.

our final breakup was brutal. he didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks, and then he expected everything to go back to normal. he stopped telling me he loved me. instead i was told “you know how i feel” but i don’t. you don’t talk to me for 6 weeks, how am i supposed to know what that means? to me, that shows me you don’t love me. he told me what was wrong with me. he told me to leave him alone. he told me that i had always made his life harder. he told me that he didn’t think that i loved him because he was just a rebound from jack. if he was “just a rebound,” then why did we spend 3 years supposedly loving each other? U was a rebound. there have been others, and there will continue to be others. but he was not a rebound. he was someone i loved so deeply that losing him i still feel empty and i still feel sick whenever i think about how quickly he really moved on.

i think that i can move on. i know that i am capable of it, i spent the summer on dating apps and dating and exploring. but i also know i need to find the right person. the hard part is that i want to find them sooner rather than later. i want someone to love me and i want someone to love. in life, all i really want is to be loved, to be worth the world to someone. to be good enough for someone. i have never been good enough. i have always been so easy to walk away from. why is that? why am i so easy to leave behind? why am i so easy to forget?

i love him. i loved him. i love the old R, the one who cared and who was sweet and made me feel good about myself. i miss him. i miss him more than i let people know. i tell people that i don’t miss him, and that’s a lie. my heart still aches for him, and i still get a rush on the off chance that he sends me a snapchat (even though i know it’s meaningless).

i’m not sure i will ever fully stop hurting. i am healing, i know that. i am good at healing. i do it often. i will love. i will be loved. i will actually be loved, not the fake love that he tried to pass off as real. i am worthy. i will be good enough.

it’s been a while

it’s been a while since i’ve written anything. i have been so busy that sometimes i don’t even see my family for days on end. i leave before the sun is up, and i come home after the sun goes down. yes, it’s possible that i am doing too much, but if i don’t do too much then i think too much and i feel too much and i cannot. i have been so good about not crying and holding myself together, but tonight i am not so sure. sometimes when i’m really sad, i’ll wear one of R’s old shirts that i kept and i’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse but sometimes i just need to be close to someone who (used to) care and those shirts are about as close as i can get right now without spilling everything. i am afraid that once i start talking, the dam will break and i will break and i do not have time to break.

R has a new girlfriend. not that i’m salty but TB is gone and the guy i really like kind of has a girlfriend too. but that’s a whole fucking situation on its own that i am not sure how to deal with, other than tell him that he needs to figure his shit out (or tells me to leave him alone, but selfishly i want him to pick me. i’d make him so much happier) but it sucks a lot because i hate uncertainty and i hate being vulnerable and i am in a constant state of uncertainty and vulnerability right now. i can’t not be good enough again. i can’t. i have to be good enough for someone, right?

work is great. i love my job. i don’t have time to think or to feel, i just focus on my students and what is happening next. i worry that i won’t be good enough, that they won’t learn enough, that we are behind but i know that i wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think i could do it. the kids love me a lot. i love them a lot. i am terrified of failing myself, but mostly i am afraid of failing them.

crew is great. i am going to head of the charles again, this time in an eight. i’m fucking terrified. but i know that i’m good so i know i’ll be fine but i am still scared. i found a new team too and they are great. they are fast and they work hard. it’s so nice to be on a team that is close to my own age and wants to do well. it’s refreshing. it’s welcomed with open arms.

my love life is a mess. i am sad and alone and i don’t want to be. i don’t miss R but i miss not being alone. i haven’t been alone, really alone, this deep, disturbing, unsettling, uncomfortable alone in years. literal years. sleeping alone is miserable. going to wegmans alone is miserable. watching cartoons alone is miserable. i miss good morning and good night texts. i miss always having someone to turn to. i miss being loved. i don’t miss how i felt in the end of our relationship. it was an incredibly unhealthy relationship, but that’s a story for another time. a high time. i’m sick of silence.

everything is so great on the outside, but it’s nights like these when i actually have time to think that i realize just how good i am at holding myself together. writing is good for the soul though. write more.

i didn’t think i would be okay

i didn’t think i would be okay after R broke up with me. i put too much faith in him and not that that’s a bad thing, but i forgot that life doesn’t always work according to plan. but, like, i’m fucking killing it! i’m going to europe next month with a guy that i think i like. lets call him U. i hate that i have moved on so quickly but the more i think about it, the more i realize how truly unhappy i was with R and how i counted on him to make me happy and it was unhealthy because in reality, he didn’t make me as happy as i could have been and as happy as i am. so i think i like U. but i don’t want to make assumptions that we are semi/actually exclusive but if we’re going to europe i’ve got to think that he probably likes me too as more than a hook up (but trust me, the hook up is great oh my god).

so there’s where i am. i’m happy, i’m traveling, i’m casually seeing a guy and i like casual because there’s no pressure to talk all the time (but it is nice to talk) and we hang out a lot, i stay over a decent amount. he asked about my scars once but was nice about me deflecting the question and didn’t push it. i don’t want to have the “what are we” talk though because i like what w have. i like it being relaxed. and honestly, he’s moving to boston in september for a job so like who even knows what will happen after that so i’ll enjoy where i’m at and yeah maybe summer is for sinning but damn i’m still fucking loving me and that’s what matters.

things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good. ┬ánot to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

i will be okay

a few years ago if you put me in this situation i would have spiraled out of control the rabbit hole would be back & getting out would be rly hard but i’m not that person anymore i have healthier coping mechanisms i have a better support system i know myself & my limits & i know how i feel. doesn’t mean i don’t feel like shit doesn’t mean i know what to do but does mean that if nothing else i actually literally will survive this.

my breakup with ryan ended up in an overdose. my breakup with connor ended up being too close to stitches for comfort. my breakup with jack ended up with food being the one thing i had control over. but i refuse to be that person again i’ll 100% cry nonstop, i’ve already left class twice to hide in the bathroom & cry but i haven’t externalized (or internalized to an extent lol) anything and i don’t plan on it which i am proud of. haven’t acted on anything even though i’ve 127% wanted to.

if i can get through half the shit i’ve gotten through then i can get through this. i am a survivor i am a thriver i am going to be okay.

past years, past life

it’s days like these when i think back the most to the me i was 4 years ago. addicted to the rush of seeing myself bleed, addicted to the sting that came, addicted to seeing my flesh split open so easily. like cutting through butter once i figured out the right angle. it’s day like these where i stare at my body with morbid fascination, wondering where i could decorate myself but have no one see. i haven’t been this sick (because let’s face it that’s what it is. it’s an illness, an addiction, an obsession) in a long time. yeah i’ve slipped up here and there and made some shallow attempts of what i used to know but what i feel now? this is big this is too much this is not a feeling i ever wanted to feel again yet here i am.

that’s a different version of me, not one i want to be today. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to be better. i don’t want to be fixed because i’ll never be fixed because i’m not broken i’m just fucked up. also like, you can’t fix bipolar disorder even though i wish you could. i don’t want to go back to the old me. i’m trying really hard not to but asking for help is my least favorite thing ever. i dream in red. i scare myself. i know what i want to do but i won’t do it. i know who i want to talk to but i can’t do it.

all of these posts are stupid. i’m stupid. i don’t know why i bother with things because i don’t want to write it out on a website and still hide how i really feel. i want to be able to share it and talk about it and figure out what the fuck is going on. what a concept.

i’ll perseverate as much as i want to

i miss R. i actually can’t put into words the world of hurt that i am living in right now. i can’t eat or keep anything down. i feel like i’m on the verge of passing out way too often. he told me they are just friends but i don’t know. how can i know when he won’t talk to me? yesterday he told me i was too much. so i’ve tried to leave him alone but i can’t seem to do it. yeah, i’m crazy. yeah, people probably think i’m psychotic. but mother fucker i can’t get him out of my mind for more that 5 minutes at a time. after a conversation last night when he basically told me to fuck off i deleted everything off of my phone except for the longer messages i have saved in my notes because i don’t have the heart to delete them and i also just really don’t want to see them because i already cry all the time as it is, i don’t need to make it worse.

i want to apologize to him. all i wanted to do was help him and make him feel better and in reality i just made things worse and i made things harder and if he and this girl do become a thing part of me thinks it’s my fault or it will be my fault. i’m sorry for the pain he’s going through. i’m sorry that he has to go through what he’s going through because no one should have to go through that, especially at such a young age. i’m sorry that i don’t know what to do to help. i’m sorry i made everything worse. i’m sorry i can’t seem to stop myself from continuing to make things worse. i’m sorry for everything that is going on, i’m sorry i am part of it, i’m sorry he is feeling the way that he is. i’m sorry that i can’t take that pain away from him. i’m sorry that it won’t go away for a long time or really honestly it probably won’t go away ever.

i miss him. i want to throw up. i want to hurt honestly i want to make something feel different and that scares me. i want/need help but he won’t help me. he has his own shit to deal with and i don’t blame him. i only make things worse for him. i probably need to get over myself because i’m not going to make things better and i’m just going to continue to push him away and push him to her and i fucking hate her she infuriates me and she makes my blood boil because my god if she takes him from me i don’t know what i’ll do because i don’t know what feeling comes after the way i am feeling now and i don’t want to know.

i used to have a tumblr, on a different but eventually related tangent. i wrote on it, i cried over it, i cried because of it, i was able to freely write how i was feeling and when i was feeling shitty and couldn’t verbalize it because talking about it makes it real, i showed it to him. part of me wants to show R my blog. i won’t because it’ll most likely overwhelm him and then he’s really going to be gone forever but like.. maybe then we could talk.

i don’t know if he knows how badly everything that is going on with his mom fucked me up. i tried really hard to hide it, but every time after he got off the phone (when he used to talk to me) i sobbed and i cried and i still do whenever i think about it. i wanted so fucking badly to be close with her. i wanted so fucking badly to love her and be loved by her. i did, do, love her. i miss her so fucking much and i know it’s not as much as R misses her but it’s more than he realizes. and i worry about him because of it. i need to know he’s okay. i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore i just need to know he’s okay or he will be okay because there’s no way someone can be okay after something like this.

god i’m so fucking pathetic. i probably look so fucking stupid sitting over here waiting for someone who doesn’t even care anymore it seems like to love me back and to give me the time of day. i would really do pretty much anything to hug him one last time. to hear his laugh. to see his smile. to smell him (that sounds creepy but like he smells so good). i would do even more for one last kiss. one last touch. anything. i am so fucking miserable. i have never been this miserable. i don’t know if there’s much lower i can go but every time i think that, i fall deeper into the rabbit hole. if i talk to him though that’s probably the end. so instead i’ll sit and i’ll cry and i’ll wait desperately for the day he maybe will love me again because i’m always going to love him. if this is the end, he’s the one that got away. that’s something that literally gives me nightmares. i can’t take it anymore. i need him i need to know i need to be fucking loved. god i’m so fucking pathetic. i hate myself too. ironic because this was going to be the summer where i learned to love myself but all i’ve done is learned to hate myself more and more each day so that’s good

wasting time or what

everyone is telling me to move on. i know he’s seeing my messages. i know he’s making the decision not to answer them. i know he’s going out with people so i know he is on his phone. do i even matter? does he even care? does he still love me?

everyone is telling me to move on. so i asked him if i was wasting my time or if he found a new boo or whatever. i regret asking. i don’t want to know even though i do know he’s been getting scary close with an old friend that he used to have a thing with who is also now single. so. there’s that. awesome. this hurts the most because i thought she and i were friends. who fucking does that?!

everyone is telling me to move on. in my heart of hearts, i don’t want to. he’s the love of my life. i don’t want him to be the one that got away. but if it’s not a 2-way street then i can’t force it. i don’t want to give up, but if he already has then what the fuck am i doing?