summer’s not just for sinning

i went to a park today to go for a run and visit the memorial bench of an old friend. it’s such a beautiful place to spend an afternoon. i had a lot to think about today, a big one being coming to terms with how i’ve been handling things lately and how i really haven’t been taking care of myself. so boys be damned this summer (and after R read my message he’s pretty peeved so idk what’s happening there so much fucking drama) i’m gong to learn to love me. if you asked me to list things i like about myself the list would be short and superficial. i am a good coxswain, i’m a good teacher, i’m good an annoying people, i’m good at crying, i’m good at binge watching netflix shows. if you asked me to list things i dislike about myself the list would be long and taxing and i’d really be able to show you how good i am at crying.

but, like, it shouldn’t be that way!!!! i need to learn to love myself. i need to learn to put me first. i need to learn what i want and do what i want. i need to spend the summer getting to know myself because that’s something i haven’t done in a long time and it’s something i think that i need. i’m going to travel, i’m going to learn how to do brush lettering (i’m really not too terrible for only doing it a few times), i’m going to smile, i’m going to go out with friends and stop cancelling because it’s always fun in the end.

summer’s not just for sinning, it’s also for learning to love, learning to live, and learning to let go

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lonely

there’s a type of loneliness that can’t be filled by friends or family or a great job. there’s this deep loneliness that comes from losing something or someone and not knowing how to fill that void. people seek comfort in other people and they search for it in specific people. the thing is, i know exactly why i’m lonely. i see my friends all the time now and i go the extra mile and i don’t cancel when i’m tired because i know i need to be social and i know it’ll make me feel better. i have a great job that i love and i love my students and making a difference in their lives and seeing their smiling faces everyday and hearing the stories that they are so excited to tell me in the morning warms my heart and brings me so much joy. i am part of a great team and a great sport and i am surrounded with people who don’t take me for granted and who give me feedback and who build my confidence so that i can continue to be the best coxswain that i can be. but when i go to bed at night, i see the empty side of the bed. it’s silent in my room except for the sound of the ever whirring fan. it’s the worst feeling ever to know that if i roll over, i am rolling into an empty space, not the arms of someone i love dearly. he’s not there. and not only is he not there physically, but emotionally too. there’s so much shit going on in R’s life and i get it, i understand it. i’m not a bitch. but i am needy and i have needs to. and i try to leave him alone but i miss him so much and just for a few minutes a day i would love to feel like a priority to him. i know in my heart that i want to be with him forever. and call me crazy, but all i want right now is attention. something to hold on to. something to fill this void that is eating me from the inside out. i’ve started slipping back into some self-destructive tendencies and i know i am but i have no desire to stop. i’ve lost 12 pounds since moving home and i greatly look forward to losing more. i know i need to stop and to eat but like.. i don’t want to. i am so fucking empty inside that what’s the point of filling myself with food when food isn’t what i want? i feel like a shell in almost every aspect right now. and today i told him exactly how i felt about him and us and part of me regrets that because what if that’s the final straw and he thinks I’m too crazy? i want to go to him but i don’t want to burden him. i don’t want to push him away. he hardly talks to me as it is (mostly because he doesn’t have a phone  but even still. all i want is his attention for 10 minutes, 5 even, and to have a full conversation). i don’t know how he’s doing, i don’t know what’s going on in his life right now. i miss him. and yeah i probably sound crazy on here to but like who fucking cares anymore? might as well scream it to the fucking world that i am so beyond miserable and hurting so badly and the one person who can help isn’t there and i’m absolutely terrified that he’s going to forget about me.

i just want to know i’m loved and missed. i just want to know i’m cared for. i’m sick of being lonely. i’m sick of having an empty bed and silent evenings. i’m so fucking sick of feeling the way that i am feeling.

i don’t want to be lonely anymore i can’t do it i’m not a person who can be alone and not just because i’m a mental and emotional wreck. i don’t want to be alone but i don’t want to find solace in other people, not in the way that i crave it. there’s an R shaped hole in my heart and it’s fucking crushing me.

bittersweet, but still broken

so good news is that R has gotten over himself and realized that he was being an asshole and things are great again and i love him and he loves me and everything makes sense when we are together. it’s the only thing that ever makes sense.

shitty fucking news is that last night his mom died. i don’t know how to deal, i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to say. i keep googling what to do but i still feel helpless. he’s not even in the country now so that makes it even harder. he called me at 2:50am to tell me, and right after he told me he goes “you know, she really fucking loved you” and that broke my heart. this woman was one of the most selfless, loving, compassionate people i have ever met. i don’t speak spanish (they speak spanish at home, they’re from DR) but she always made sure to speak to English to me and teach me some words. she made me feel so welcomed. she posted about me graduating, she would message me on Facebook. the last thing i said to her was “happy mothers day!” on the dominican mothers day and now she’s gone. i guess i didn’t realize how much i meant to her until now. R says that i really need to up my spanish learning game (i’m learning slowly, languages are hard! if anyone has a rosetta stone download help a girl out!!!!!) so that i can go to DR and meet everyone because apparently for the last few months she has talked about me nonstop. i just really miss her. i miss her smile and i miss her hugs. i miss her laugh and how she made fun of everyone. i miss how she had no shame and did what made her happy. i miss how she had the ability to brighten up a room and make everyone in the room smile and laugh.

things are about to get even harder. the distance is already hell, and now the distance plus her death.. i don’t even know. i’m trying to go visit R as soon as he gets back to the states and as soon as school is out (but would love to go sooner). if nothing else, i’m glad that R forgave me and moved on before this happened because otherwise i don’t know what kind of state he would be in and he’s already in a terrible place. i just love him so much, i want to take away all of his pain and his hurt and make him better and i wish i could bring his mom back so fucking badly. fuck man. this spring/summer has been one of the worst on record.

i’ve actually ruined my life

so R broke up with me. there’s that. all because i’m such a drunken fucking moron. he left, he went back home (he’s not from here, we went to college together). and when he left, i was fucking miserable. i couldn’t stop crying and i still can’t stop crying. i cry at the most inconvenient times and i can’t help it. i just am so fucking weepy all the fucking time. so i went to a friends house and she just broke up with her boyfriend so naturally we drank several bottles of wine and cried. but we also both downloaded tinder. i don’t know why i thought that tinder would make me feel better because it really just made me feel worse. i kept pressing x (tbh i couldn’t figure out which way to swipe) and i kept searching for R . every person that came up was terrible. i know exactly what i want in a guy, and the thing is i know exactly who i want. i have zero desire to date. i can’t sleep on the right side of the bed even though i am home and in a new bed because that is his side of the bed. i fall asleep picturing him when he’s there, how much i love to be big spoon because i get to smell him and i fucking love his smell, how soft his skin is, holding him tightly and feeling him press up against me in return. and i wake up remembering how his face gets all squished in the morning and how his hair looks like a triangle, and how he always asks for “just 5 more minutes” but we both know it’ll be closer to 15. how the best part of my day was waking up next to him and how it was so worth being late if it meant we got to lay in bed and snuggle for a few more minutes. but i ruined everything because i fucking downloaded tinder for an hour thinking i would find some relief in knowing that there are other people out there as i wallowed in my loneliness but in reality all it did was reinforce what i already knew and that is that R is the one for me. now he hates me. he barely talks to me. i don’t blame him, but this is the fucking worst. after everything we have endured that life has thrown at us, of course it’s my fault in the end.

but wait! there’s more! not only did i download tinder, but one night after practice i was hungry. mind you, this is at like 9 at night because practice ends at 8:30. i want moes because i just really wanted nachos and they have chips and queso so close enough. i run into this guy who is lost, looking for who knows what, but wants to know where he can get ice cream, specifically a sundae (that’s important). i’m bored, i’m lonely, i decided why not help him out. i make awkward small talk, he makes awkward small talk, we walk into insomnia cookies. FUCKING OF COURSE there is R’s old roommate with his girlfriend. i say hi and then tell this guy that there are no sundaes here, but there is a place across the street that 100% does. IT STILL GETS BETTER. this guy is on a date. or was going to be until some girl saw us walk over. MIND YOU, I AM JUST TRYING TO GET CHIPS AND QUESO SO THAT I CAN GO HOME AND CRY AND EAT. so she starts screaming at me and at him. i get ice cream (because like lets be real, i love ice cream and maybe that’ll make me feel better. it doesn’t) and leave. but the damage is done. but also like, if you disregard everything and let’s say i am dating, why the fuck would i go on a date after practice??? the only thing i want to do is eat and sleep and it sucks that he doesn’t believe me. he knows me better than anyone.

R’s friends found my tinder, even though i deleted it the next day when i woke up. and of course his old roommate told him about what happened at insomnia cookies (i understand what it looked like, yes, but it wasn’t a date. i didn’t even know the stupid fucking guy). and now he hates me. like actually full on hates me. i don’t know what, if anything, i can do to fix this. if nothing else, at least he is still talking to me. barely, but it’s better than nothing. i need him to believe me. i need him to trust me. i need him to love me. i need him in my life. whenever i picture my future i picture it with him. now i don’t know what to do or what is going to happen. we made so many plans that i was so excited for.

i doubt he’ll ever see this. i doubt he’ll ever know how much this kills me. he texted me “you broke my fucking heart” and every time i think of that text i lose it. i need to see him.

i miss him so much it hurts. my heart aches. my body aches. i have so much love to give him that i want to give him for the rest of my life, that i am ready to give him for the rest of my life. i was supposed to visit at the end of june. it’s a month away. i really don’t pray, but i’m fucking praying that he lets me visit, even if it’s strictly platonic.

R, if you ever see this know that i love you endlessly and know that i hate myself more than you hate me right now. i don’t know what to do to fix this, but know that i am going to try everything that i can.

fuck man.

so close to the end

in 13 days, i will have graduated college. part of me is exciting! i have a job that literally starts the monday after i graduate.  i am moving home to save money (and get away from a roommate that is hell on earth..  R brings out the trash, does the dishes, cleans up, and even buys more t.p. than she does and he doesn’t even officially live here!). i have a new coaching job that i am very happy with.

but in 6 days, i am done being a student athlete. that’s not something that i want to give up. i want to win a race so fucking badly. we should have won on saturday. i cried the rest of the day. second place is also known as the first losers.

in 13 days, i don’t know if i’m going to be a girlfriend anymore (if R wants to know why i want a ring/promise ring so badly it’s because no matter what ends up happening between us, i want something to remember forever that someone/R loves me because whatever happens, no one is going to love me as much as he loves me and i’m the worst girlfriend ever most of the time).

i need these last 2 weeks to slow the fuck down. i need to get some answers from R but i’m afraid to ask because i’m afraid of what the answer is. i would be okay with these next 2 weeks never ending because i am terrified of the future. absolutely terrified.

i regret ever starting 13 reasons why (tw)

the first time i tried to kill myself was in 6th grade. i was in the bathroom at my moms friends house. we had just moved and i was the new kid again, just like i was every 2 years. feeling lost in the world is the worst. feeling lost in the world while going through puberty fucking sucks. i knew that there were 7 layers of skin, so i figured it would be pretty easy to scratch myself until i broke through them all. in actuality i gave up pretty quickly on the scratching and i went to find my mom in tears because if this wasn’t working then maybe i needed something more. she was so embarrassed by me. all her friends watched me come running out of the bathroom sobbing, my arms stretched out reaching for my mom and my mom was looking at me in shock.

the next memorable time (and unfortunately there were some other random attempts in between) wasn’t until freshman year of high school. i can even tell you the exact date: december 28, 2010. my first boyfriend broke up with me. my three best friends had abandoned me weeks ago. i was diagnosed with depression, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. turns out, i’m a hell of a lot more than just depressed but it took a bottle of ibuprofen and a lot of puking to figure that one out.

but this post isn’t my failures (or my successes, depending on how you want to look at it). i’m on spring break. i started watching 13 reasons why because i loved the book and truthfully i needed a new show. well, today i watched the last episode and i bawled. first, the image of hannah slitting her wrists is burned into my mind. how many times did i play that scene over in my mind but i was hannah? i couldn’t watch the whole scene, i had to close my eyes. but what really broke me were her parents. i was so selfish. my parents almost got divorced because of the shit i put them through. and had i not failed at killing myself, who knows what would have happened. i wanted to hold her parents and love them. and her friends. and alex. and clay. i guess i never thought beyond being dead. i would be happy, as happy as you can be when you’re dead, and life would move on. i was a burden out of the way now. i’m so fucking glad i puked. that i chickened out because i’m scared of blood, and that the time i wasn’t scared of blood i’m thankful as fuck to have been interrupted. i’m thankful i had the chance to grow and recover to be the person that i am today.

but even beyond hannah killing herself, it was the sexual assault that bothered me too. something i push back into my deep dark corners and try to forget exists, is that i had a bryce. i dated a bryce. no, he didn’t rape me the way he did hannah and jessica. but the actions and the inability to recognize wrongdoing and sexual consent.. it was all too eerily familiar. it scares me. it worries me. i just want to curl up in a ball and keep crying but i know that i have to be stronger than that because i refuse to let shit like that define me.

but i’ll gladly be defined by the fact that i regret watching 13 reasons why. i’ll gladly be defined by the fact that my own mental health is more important than a tv show. i’ll gladly be defined by the fact that if they make the awful decision to make a season 2, i’ll be damned if i ever watch that shit. don’t watch 13 reasons why. it’s not worth it.

two posts, one day

i’m on spring break. i should be having a great time, but in reality the best part of my break is being with R when he’s not in class/working, and smoking. the work i have to do is unreal. the thought of going back to school fills me with dread. and to top it all off, i decided to start watching 13 reasons why on netflix. honestly, i’m not sure why i’m watching it. it’s not terribly good, and they romanticize mental illness.

what. the. fuck.

we live in a generation where it is okay to think suicide is trendy and we should put a girl killing herself in a tv show. we live in a generation where showing a girl being raped is fine on a tv show. why do we have to glamorize it? it’s not pretty, it’s not cute, it’s not okay to joke about. i am very conflicted about this show. great! it’s bringing awareness to suicide and mental health issues! but when do they talk about that? the show is haunting, but it’s turning into something that i’m sure the producers never intended it to be. i truly had high hopes for this show. they had the chance to really talk about suicide and the impact it makes but instead it became a joke. all of the memes going around? “welcome to your tape” ya okay let’s openly mock suicide. and her parents. oh my god her parents. when i was 16, i was in a worse place than hannah. not to say that she isn’t in a bad place, but like shit i was lower than rock bottom. seeing her parents reminded me of mine, and reminded me why this is so serious. why this shouldn’t be joked about. my mom still can’t listen to the song “gone gone gone” by phillip phillips without crying. and that was five years ago. and i didn’t even die, i lived by some miracle. and i’m glad i did. this show should have done so much. it could have made such an impact. instead it just stirred up old thoughts and memories, and an unbridled anger and sadness at what could have been.

c’est la vie

blogs are funny

blogs are funny because you are sending your whole heart into some crazy black whole where anyone with internet access can reach into the dusty corners of your mind and see what you’re up to. blogs are funny because sometimes it’s easier to write what you want to say instead of saying it. words have a strange power that way.

i guess i made this because there’s so much that is always bouncing around in my head, but more often than not i don’t know how to get it out. i don’t want to say it; if i say it then it becomes real. so how and why does typing it make it any different?

the nice thing about being online is that no one has to know who you are to know what is going on in your life. more even than those closest to you know. there’s really only one person ever who has been to the dusty dark parts of my mind and come back and still love me. i’ll call him R. he’s amazing. but there are things that i can’t say out loud, even 3 years later. why? because i don’t want to admit it’s real. fairly simple. so here it goes i guess. a nice lil list of the shit in my head at the moment that i’m too scared to say out loud:

  • R is leaving after graduation and after that i don’t know when i’m going to see him again and that’s fucking terrifying because this guy has my whole fucking heart.
  • i’m a selfish bitch and i want a ring from R, not like an engagement ring, but just something to wear and be able to see and reminds me of him when he’s gone.
  • R and i broke up this semester because of graduation and his mom being sick and having to go home to his family (we got back together) which i understand and i get but like please don’t break up with me? i can tell you for damn sure that he’s the one i know i want to be with forever. like i’ll move to him (he is originally from out of state, we go to college together). i’ll wait a year at home and save up and then come. hell, i’ll wait two years if that’s what it takes. but i do not want to break up. he’s the one i know it. that’s part of why i want a ring because i want to know that he is committed to the future as well. but like still not an engagement ring. i just can’t fucking lose him. he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
  • once when we were tripping he sort of proposed and said we should have a secret wedding and get married like in a court room and have a secret holiday just for us. i’d totally do that right this second if it meant a future with him forever.
  • my student teaching placement makes me miserable. i do not want to go back to the classroom, and all i have ever wanted to do is teach. it’s because the two teachers i’m with are honestly awful people. i dread just seeing emails from them. the thought of seeing them on monday already brings a pit to my stomach.
  • speaking of seeing them on monday, i have a huge race (my senior championship race) on friday which i emailed them about two days ago hoping to miss school for it. i haven’t miss any days and i think that i’ve been doing a fucking great job despite the terrible things they say about me. plus if i don’t go then my team doesn’t race and i can’t let them down like that. but also not having to see my teachers would be great. but part of me deep down thinks that they’ll say no because they honestly have it out to get me. they’re so hostile. more than anything i want them to say yes. but. they’re truly dreadful people.

well. that’s the basics. that’s what keeps me up at night. i’m so boring and lame, i know. i worry about my boyfriend and school and crew and that’s it. and teaching, but not in the classroom i’m in because that might just be the most godawful classroom ever.