bittersweet, but still broken

so good news is that R has gotten over himself and realized that he was being an asshole and things are great again and i love him and he loves me and everything makes sense when we are together. it’s the only thing that ever makes sense.

shitty fucking news is that last night his mom died. i don’t know how to deal, i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to say. i keep googling what to do but i still feel helpless. he’s not even in the country now so that makes it even harder. he called me at 2:50am to tell me, and right after he told me he goes “you know, she really fucking loved you” and that broke my heart. this woman was one of the most selfless, loving, compassionate people i have ever met. i don’t speak spanish (they speak spanish at home, they’re from DR) but she always made sure to speak to English to me and teach me some words. she made me feel so welcomed. she posted about me graduating, she would message me on Facebook. the last thing i said to her was “happy mothers day!” on the dominican mothers day and now she’s gone. i guess i didn’t realize how much i meant to her until now. R says that i really need to up my spanish learning game (i’m learning slowly, languages are hard! if anyone has a rosetta stone download help a girl out!!!!!) so that i can go to DR and meet everyone because apparently for the last few months she has talked about me nonstop. i just really miss her. i miss her smile and i miss her hugs. i miss her laugh and how she made fun of everyone. i miss how she had no shame and did what made her happy. i miss how she had the ability to brighten up a room and make everyone in the room smile and laugh.

things are about to get even harder. the distance is already hell, and now the distance plus her death.. i don’t even know. i’m trying to go visit R as soon as he gets back to the states and as soon as school is out (but would love to go sooner). if nothing else, i’m glad that R forgave me and moved on before this happened because otherwise i don’t know what kind of state he would be in and he’s already in a terrible place. i just love him so much, i want to take away all of his pain and his hurt and make him better and i wish i could bring his mom back so fucking badly. fuck man. this spring/summer has been one of the worst on record.

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