a story for another time

it’s time i write about R. really, truly, emotionally, soul-barringly (is that even a word?) write about R. the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. when we were up, it was magic. it lasted less than a year, the real ups. when he told me he loved me every day, when he told me i was beautiful even at 5 in the morning. when he went out of his way to do nice things.

then we broke up the first time. and he saw someone else behind my back. didn’t think much to tell me. instead i found out because she texted him again while i was using his computer. he didn’t even try to deny it. “i didn’t tell you because i didn’t think it was a big deal.” i should have broken up with him right then, but i crave attention. i crave being loved. i crave being wanted. i crave stability and comfort and connection. so i stayed.

we broke up again the january before our last semester. it lasted 3 days because i begged him to come back to me. i hate myself for lowering myself to that level. he clearly didn’t care. he clearly had no problem tossing me aside whenever he felt he could.

our relationship was unhealthy as soon as we got back together the first time. there wasn’t the same love, there wasn’t the same passion, there wasn’t the same anything from him. “people change” and yes, they do, but not to the extreme that he did. i thought that not much could be worse than the emotional abuse and distress that jack put me through. he was above and beyond the worst boyfriend ever, until R. it was like he found joy in making me cry. like he thought it was funny or entertaining to ignore me for days on end because he was “just being petty.” it wasn’t funny, or entertaining. it was draining. no matter what i did for him, i wasn’t good enough. and he let me know that on a regular basis. too many tears were shed over him, but i also know that many more are yet to come.

there are too many nights that i can think of too vividly where i needed his help, i needed his support, i needed him, and he blew me off. or told me to calm down. or told me “later.” or told me that it wasn’t a big deal. or told me to get over myself and stop making rash decisions. or told me that this was childish and he thought that i had moved on from destructive coping mechanisms to healthy ones and that i only did things for attention. do you know how low you have to feel to cut yourself open? it’s not something you do for attention. i can tell you exactly how i was feeling, exactly how i didn’t want to but i had to, exactly how i regretted every step i took but couldn’t turn back because the only way i knew to feel better was to feel worse. but yes. tell me again how i am doing this for attention. i might be crazy, but that’s fucking sick.

there were good things though. he encouraged me to break out of my shell, make new friends, try new and exciting things. some things have stuck, others have not. i learned the most about myself with him. i learned what i don’t deserve. i learned what i don’t want in a relationship. i learned that i have to put myself first because there are people in the world who will tell you that they love you and then tear you down every chance that they get.

our final breakup was brutal. he didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks, and then he expected everything to go back to normal. he stopped telling me he loved me. instead i was told “you know how i feel” but i don’t. you don’t talk to me for 6 weeks, how am i supposed to know what that means? to me, that shows me you don’t love me. he told me what was wrong with me. he told me to leave him alone. he told me that i had always made his life harder. he told me that he didn’t think that i loved him because he was just a rebound from jack. if he was “just a rebound,” then why did we spend 3 years supposedly loving each other? U was a rebound. there have been others, and there will continue to be others. but he was not a rebound. he was someone i loved so deeply that losing him i still feel empty and i still feel sick whenever i think about how quickly he really moved on.

i think that i can move on. i know that i am capable of it, i spent the summer on dating apps and dating and exploring. but i also know i need to find the right person. the hard part is that i want to find them sooner rather than later. i want someone to love me and i want someone to love. in life, all i really want is to be loved, to be worth the world to someone. to be good enough for someone. i have never been good enough. i have always been so easy to walk away from. why is that? why am i so easy to leave behind? why am i so easy to forget?

i love him. i loved him. i love the old R, the one who cared and who was sweet and made me feel good about myself. i miss him. i miss him more than i let people know. i tell people that i don’t miss him, and that’s a lie. my heart still aches for him, and i still get a rush on the off chance that he sends me a snapchat (even though i know it’s meaningless).

i’m not sure i will ever fully stop hurting. i am healing, i know that. i am good at healing. i do it often. i will love. i will be loved. i will actually be loved, not the fake love that he tried to pass off as real. i am worthy. i will be good enough.

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things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good. ┬ánot to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

summer’s not just for sinning

i went to a park today to go for a run and visit the memorial bench of an old friend. it’s such a beautiful place to spend an afternoon. i had a lot to think about today, a big one being coming to terms with how i’ve been handling things lately and how i really haven’t been taking care of myself. so boys be damned this summer (and after R read my message he’s pretty peeved so idk what’s happening there so much fucking drama) i’m gong to learn to love me. if you asked me to list things i like about myself the list would be short and superficial. i am a good coxswain, i’m a good teacher, i’m good an annoying people, i’m good at crying, i’m good at binge watching netflix shows. if you asked me to list things i dislike about myself the list would be long and taxing and i’d really be able to show you how good i am at crying.

but, like, it shouldn’t be that way!!!! i need to learn to love myself. i need to learn to put me first. i need to learn what i want and do what i want. i need to spend the summer getting to know myself because that’s something i haven’t done in a long time and it’s something i think that i need. i’m going to travel, i’m going to learn how to do brush lettering (i’m really not too terrible for only doing it a few times), i’m going to smile, i’m going to go out with friends and stop cancelling because it’s always fun in the end.

summer’s not just for sinning, it’s also for learning to love, learning to live, and learning to let go