it’s been a while

it’s been a while since i’ve written anything. i have been so busy that sometimes i don’t even see my family for days on end. i leave before the sun is up, and i come home after the sun goes down. yes, it’s possible that i am doing too much, but if i don’t do too much then i think too much and i feel too much and i cannot. i have been so good about not crying and holding myself together, but tonight i am not so sure. sometimes when i’m really sad, i’ll wear one of R’s old shirts that i kept and i’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse but sometimes i just need to be close to someone who (used to) care and those shirts are about as close as i can get right now without spilling everything. i am afraid that once i start talking, the dam will break and i will break and i do not have time to break.

R has a new girlfriend. not that i’m salty but TB is gone and the guy i really like kind of has a girlfriend too. but that’s a whole fucking situation on its own that i am not sure how to deal with, other than tell him that he needs to figure his shit out (or tells me to leave him alone, but selfishly i want him to pick me. i’d make him so much happier) but it sucks a lot because i hate uncertainty and i hate being vulnerable and i am in a constant state of uncertainty and vulnerability right now. i can’t not be good enough again. i can’t. i have to be good enough for someone, right?

work is great. i love my job. i don’t have time to think or to feel, i just focus on my students and what is happening next. i worry that i won’t be good enough, that they won’t learn enough, that we are behind but i know that i wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think i could do it. the kids love me a lot. i love them a lot. i am terrified of failing myself, but mostly i am afraid of failing them.

crew is great. i am going to head of the charles again, this time in an eight. i’m fucking terrified. but i know that i’m good so i know i’ll be fine but i am still scared. i found a new team too and they are great. they are fast and they work hard. it’s so nice to be on a team that is close to my own age and wants to do well. it’s refreshing. it’s welcomed with open arms.

my love life is a mess. i am sad and alone and i don’t want to be. i don’t miss R but i miss not being alone. i haven’t been alone, really alone, this deep, disturbing, unsettling, uncomfortable alone in years. literal years. sleeping alone is miserable. going to wegmans alone is miserable. watching cartoons alone is miserable. i miss good morning and good night texts. i miss always having someone to turn to. i miss being loved. i don’t miss how i felt in the end of our relationship. it was an incredibly unhealthy relationship, but that’s a story for another time. a high time. i’m sick of silence.

everything is so great on the outside, but it’s nights like these when i actually have time to think that i realize just how good i am at holding myself together. writing is good for the soul though. write more.

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i didn’t think i would be okay

i didn’t think i would be okay after R broke up with me. i put too much faith in him and not that that’s a bad thing, but i forgot that life doesn’t always work according to plan. but, like, i’m fucking killing it! i’m going to europe next month with a guy that i think i like. lets call him U. i hate that i have moved on so quickly but the more i think about it, the more i realize how truly unhappy i was with R and how i counted on him to make me happy and it was unhealthy because in reality, he didn’t make me as happy as i could have been and as happy as i am. so i think i like U. but i don’t want to make assumptions that we are semi/actually exclusive but if we’re going to europe i’ve got to think that he probably likes me too as more than a hook up (but trust me, the hook up is great oh my god).

so there’s where i am. i’m happy, i’m traveling, i’m casually seeing a guy and i like casual because there’s no pressure to talk all the time (but it is nice to talk) and we hang out a lot, i stay over a decent amount. he asked about my scars once but was nice about me deflecting the question and didn’t push it. i don’t want to have the “what are we” talk though because i like what w have. i like it being relaxed. and honestly, he’s moving to boston in september for a job so like who even knows what will happen after that so i’ll enjoy where i’m at and yeah maybe summer is for sinning but damn i’m still fucking loving me and that’s what matters.

things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good.  not to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

i’ll perseverate as much as i want to

i miss R. i actually can’t put into words the world of hurt that i am living in right now. i can’t eat or keep anything down. i feel like i’m on the verge of passing out way too often. he told me they are just friends but i don’t know. how can i know when he won’t talk to me? yesterday he told me i was too much. so i’ve tried to leave him alone but i can’t seem to do it. yeah, i’m crazy. yeah, people probably think i’m psychotic. but mother fucker i can’t get him out of my mind for more that 5 minutes at a time. after a conversation last night when he basically told me to fuck off i deleted everything off of my phone except for the longer messages i have saved in my notes because i don’t have the heart to delete them and i also just really don’t want to see them because i already cry all the time as it is, i don’t need to make it worse.

i want to apologize to him. all i wanted to do was help him and make him feel better and in reality i just made things worse and i made things harder and if he and this girl do become a thing part of me thinks it’s my fault or it will be my fault. i’m sorry for the pain he’s going through. i’m sorry that he has to go through what he’s going through because no one should have to go through that, especially at such a young age. i’m sorry that i don’t know what to do to help. i’m sorry i made everything worse. i’m sorry i can’t seem to stop myself from continuing to make things worse. i’m sorry for everything that is going on, i’m sorry i am part of it, i’m sorry he is feeling the way that he is. i’m sorry that i can’t take that pain away from him. i’m sorry that it won’t go away for a long time or really honestly it probably won’t go away ever.

i miss him. i want to throw up. i want to hurt honestly i want to make something feel different and that scares me. i want/need help but he won’t help me. he has his own shit to deal with and i don’t blame him. i only make things worse for him. i probably need to get over myself because i’m not going to make things better and i’m just going to continue to push him away and push him to her and i fucking hate her she infuriates me and she makes my blood boil because my god if she takes him from me i don’t know what i’ll do because i don’t know what feeling comes after the way i am feeling now and i don’t want to know.

i used to have a tumblr, on a different but eventually related tangent. i wrote on it, i cried over it, i cried because of it, i was able to freely write how i was feeling and when i was feeling shitty and couldn’t verbalize it because talking about it makes it real, i showed it to him. part of me wants to show R my blog. i won’t because it’ll most likely overwhelm him and then he’s really going to be gone forever but like.. maybe then we could talk.

i don’t know if he knows how badly everything that is going on with his mom fucked me up. i tried really hard to hide it, but every time after he got off the phone (when he used to talk to me) i sobbed and i cried and i still do whenever i think about it. i wanted so fucking badly to be close with her. i wanted so fucking badly to love her and be loved by her. i did, do, love her. i miss her so fucking much and i know it’s not as much as R misses her but it’s more than he realizes. and i worry about him because of it. i need to know he’s okay. i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore i just need to know he’s okay or he will be okay because there’s no way someone can be okay after something like this.

god i’m so fucking pathetic. i probably look so fucking stupid sitting over here waiting for someone who doesn’t even care anymore it seems like to love me back and to give me the time of day. i would really do pretty much anything to hug him one last time. to hear his laugh. to see his smile. to smell him (that sounds creepy but like he smells so good). i would do even more for one last kiss. one last touch. anything. i am so fucking miserable. i have never been this miserable. i don’t know if there’s much lower i can go but every time i think that, i fall deeper into the rabbit hole. if i talk to him though that’s probably the end. so instead i’ll sit and i’ll cry and i’ll wait desperately for the day he maybe will love me again because i’m always going to love him. if this is the end, he’s the one that got away. that’s something that literally gives me nightmares. i can’t take it anymore. i need him i need to know i need to be fucking loved. god i’m so fucking pathetic. i hate myself too. ironic because this was going to be the summer where i learned to love myself but all i’ve done is learned to hate myself more and more each day so that’s good

a day in the sun

i took a day for me and i only cried twice (which is a personal record in the past 2 weeks!)!! i spent the first part of my morning at practice and honestly there is no better way to start a day than in a boat that trusts you and swings together and goes fast while drinking a coffee and watching the sunrise. ugh. i wish i could capture mornings like these and store them away for when i need a burst of happiness.

after practice, i spent the mid-morning laying out in my backyard reading books and drinking a mike’s hard lemonade. yeah it might have been 10am but let’s be honest. those are 100% more sugar than alcohol! i’m rediscovering my love of reading and getting lost in a good book. if anyone has any suggestions please lmk!!! i’m always on the search for a new book.

i ended the day at the beach with my brother (J) and some new friends i’ve made because one thing i want to do this summer is make more friends. it was a bit awkward but it was still fun. it was a great day to be at a beach. plus like i was enjoying myself and didn’t even think about how i was feeling in a swim suit which is huge i was just trying to make sure the frisbee didn’t hit me in the face and i didn’t fall into the water!

today was a good day. i can have good days i just need to make them good.

summer’s not just for sinning

i went to a park today to go for a run and visit the memorial bench of an old friend. it’s such a beautiful place to spend an afternoon. i had a lot to think about today, a big one being coming to terms with how i’ve been handling things lately and how i really haven’t been taking care of myself. so boys be damned this summer (and after R read my message he’s pretty peeved so idk what’s happening there so much fucking drama) i’m gong to learn to love me. if you asked me to list things i like about myself the list would be short and superficial. i am a good coxswain, i’m a good teacher, i’m good an annoying people, i’m good at crying, i’m good at binge watching netflix shows. if you asked me to list things i dislike about myself the list would be long and taxing and i’d really be able to show you how good i am at crying.

but, like, it shouldn’t be that way!!!! i need to learn to love myself. i need to learn to put me first. i need to learn what i want and do what i want. i need to spend the summer getting to know myself because that’s something i haven’t done in a long time and it’s something i think that i need. i’m going to travel, i’m going to learn how to do brush lettering (i’m really not too terrible for only doing it a few times), i’m going to smile, i’m going to go out with friends and stop cancelling because it’s always fun in the end.

summer’s not just for sinning, it’s also for learning to love, learning to live, and learning to let go

bittersweet, but still broken

so good news is that R has gotten over himself and realized that he was being an asshole and things are great again and i love him and he loves me and everything makes sense when we are together. it’s the only thing that ever makes sense.

shitty fucking news is that last night his mom died. i don’t know how to deal, i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to say. i keep googling what to do but i still feel helpless. he’s not even in the country now so that makes it even harder. he called me at 2:50am to tell me, and right after he told me he goes “you know, she really fucking loved you” and that broke my heart. this woman was one of the most selfless, loving, compassionate people i have ever met. i don’t speak spanish (they speak spanish at home, they’re from DR) but she always made sure to speak to English to me and teach me some words. she made me feel so welcomed. she posted about me graduating, she would message me on Facebook. the last thing i said to her was “happy mothers day!” on the dominican mothers day and now she’s gone. i guess i didn’t realize how much i meant to her until now. R says that i really need to up my spanish learning game (i’m learning slowly, languages are hard! if anyone has a rosetta stone download help a girl out!!!!!) so that i can go to DR and meet everyone because apparently for the last few months she has talked about me nonstop. i just really miss her. i miss her smile and i miss her hugs. i miss her laugh and how she made fun of everyone. i miss how she had no shame and did what made her happy. i miss how she had the ability to brighten up a room and make everyone in the room smile and laugh.

things are about to get even harder. the distance is already hell, and now the distance plus her death.. i don’t even know. i’m trying to go visit R as soon as he gets back to the states and as soon as school is out (but would love to go sooner). if nothing else, i’m glad that R forgave me and moved on before this happened because otherwise i don’t know what kind of state he would be in and he’s already in a terrible place. i just love him so much, i want to take away all of his pain and his hurt and make him better and i wish i could bring his mom back so fucking badly. fuck man. this spring/summer has been one of the worst on record.

i’ve actually ruined my life

so R broke up with me. there’s that. all because i’m such a drunken fucking moron. he left, he went back home (he’s not from here, we went to college together). and when he left, i was fucking miserable. i couldn’t stop crying and i still can’t stop crying. i cry at the most inconvenient times and i can’t help it. i just am so fucking weepy all the fucking time. so i went to a friends house and she just broke up with her boyfriend so naturally we drank several bottles of wine and cried. but we also both downloaded tinder. i don’t know why i thought that tinder would make me feel better because it really just made me feel worse. i kept pressing x (tbh i couldn’t figure out which way to swipe) and i kept searching for R . every person that came up was terrible. i know exactly what i want in a guy, and the thing is i know exactly who i want. i have zero desire to date. i can’t sleep on the right side of the bed even though i am home and in a new bed because that is his side of the bed. i fall asleep picturing him when he’s there, how much i love to be big spoon because i get to smell him and i fucking love his smell, how soft his skin is, holding him tightly and feeling him press up against me in return. and i wake up remembering how his face gets all squished in the morning and how his hair looks like a triangle, and how he always asks for “just 5 more minutes” but we both know it’ll be closer to 15. how the best part of my day was waking up next to him and how it was so worth being late if it meant we got to lay in bed and snuggle for a few more minutes. but i ruined everything because i fucking downloaded tinder for an hour thinking i would find some relief in knowing that there are other people out there as i wallowed in my loneliness but in reality all it did was reinforce what i already knew and that is that R is the one for me. now he hates me. he barely talks to me. i don’t blame him, but this is the fucking worst. after everything we have endured that life has thrown at us, of course it’s my fault in the end.

but wait! there’s more! not only did i download tinder, but one night after practice i was hungry. mind you, this is at like 9 at night because practice ends at 8:30. i want moes because i just really wanted nachos and they have chips and queso so close enough. i run into this guy who is lost, looking for who knows what, but wants to know where he can get ice cream, specifically a sundae (that’s important). i’m bored, i’m lonely, i decided why not help him out. i make awkward small talk, he makes awkward small talk, we walk into insomnia cookies. FUCKING OF COURSE there is R’s old roommate with his girlfriend. i say hi and then tell this guy that there are no sundaes here, but there is a place across the street that 100% does. IT STILL GETS BETTER. this guy is on a date. or was going to be until some girl saw us walk over. MIND YOU, I AM JUST TRYING TO GET CHIPS AND QUESO SO THAT I CAN GO HOME AND CRY AND EAT. so she starts screaming at me and at him. i get ice cream (because like lets be real, i love ice cream and maybe that’ll make me feel better. it doesn’t) and leave. but the damage is done. but also like, if you disregard everything and let’s say i am dating, why the fuck would i go on a date after practice??? the only thing i want to do is eat and sleep and it sucks that he doesn’t believe me. he knows me better than anyone.

R’s friends found my tinder, even though i deleted it the next day when i woke up. and of course his old roommate told him about what happened at insomnia cookies (i understand what it looked like, yes, but it wasn’t a date. i didn’t even know the stupid fucking guy). and now he hates me. like actually full on hates me. i don’t know what, if anything, i can do to fix this. if nothing else, at least he is still talking to me. barely, but it’s better than nothing. i need him to believe me. i need him to trust me. i need him to love me. i need him in my life. whenever i picture my future i picture it with him. now i don’t know what to do or what is going to happen. we made so many plans that i was so excited for.

i doubt he’ll ever see this. i doubt he’ll ever know how much this kills me. he texted me “you broke my fucking heart” and every time i think of that text i lose it. i need to see him.

i miss him so much it hurts. my heart aches. my body aches. i have so much love to give him that i want to give him for the rest of my life, that i am ready to give him for the rest of my life. i was supposed to visit at the end of june. it’s a month away. i really don’t pray, but i’m fucking praying that he lets me visit, even if it’s strictly platonic.

R, if you ever see this know that i love you endlessly and know that i hate myself more than you hate me right now. i don’t know what to do to fix this, but know that i am going to try everything that i can.

fuck man.

so close to the end

in 13 days, i will have graduated college. part of me is exciting! i have a job that literally starts the monday after i graduate.  i am moving home to save money (and get away from a roommate that is hell on earth..  R brings out the trash, does the dishes, cleans up, and even buys more t.p. than she does and he doesn’t even officially live here!). i have a new coaching job that i am very happy with.

but in 6 days, i am done being a student athlete. that’s not something that i want to give up. i want to win a race so fucking badly. we should have won on saturday. i cried the rest of the day. second place is also known as the first losers.

in 13 days, i don’t know if i’m going to be a girlfriend anymore (if R wants to know why i want a ring/promise ring so badly it’s because no matter what ends up happening between us, i want something to remember forever that someone/R loves me because whatever happens, no one is going to love me as much as he loves me and i’m the worst girlfriend ever most of the time).

i need these last 2 weeks to slow the fuck down. i need to get some answers from R but i’m afraid to ask because i’m afraid of what the answer is. i would be okay with these next 2 weeks never ending because i am terrified of the future. absolutely terrified.

blogs are funny

blogs are funny because you are sending your whole heart into some crazy black whole where anyone with internet access can reach into the dusty corners of your mind and see what you’re up to. blogs are funny because sometimes it’s easier to write what you want to say instead of saying it. words have a strange power that way.

i guess i made this because there’s so much that is always bouncing around in my head, but more often than not i don’t know how to get it out. i don’t want to say it; if i say it then it becomes real. so how and why does typing it make it any different?

the nice thing about being online is that no one has to know who you are to know what is going on in your life. more even than those closest to you know. there’s really only one person ever who has been to the dusty dark parts of my mind and come back and still love me. i’ll call him R. he’s amazing. but there are things that i can’t say out loud, even 3 years later. why? because i don’t want to admit it’s real. fairly simple. so here it goes i guess. a nice lil list of the shit in my head at the moment that i’m too scared to say out loud:

  • R is leaving after graduation and after that i don’t know when i’m going to see him again and that’s fucking terrifying because this guy has my whole fucking heart.
  • i’m a selfish bitch and i want a ring from R, not like an engagement ring, but just something to wear and be able to see and reminds me of him when he’s gone.
  • R and i broke up this semester because of graduation and his mom being sick and having to go home to his family (we got back together) which i understand and i get but like please don’t break up with me? i can tell you for damn sure that he’s the one i know i want to be with forever. like i’ll move to him (he is originally from out of state, we go to college together). i’ll wait a year at home and save up and then come. hell, i’ll wait two years if that’s what it takes. but i do not want to break up. he’s the one i know it. that’s part of why i want a ring because i want to know that he is committed to the future as well. but like still not an engagement ring. i just can’t fucking lose him. he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
  • once when we were tripping he sort of proposed and said we should have a secret wedding and get married like in a court room and have a secret holiday just for us. i’d totally do that right this second if it meant a future with him forever.
  • my student teaching placement makes me miserable. i do not want to go back to the classroom, and all i have ever wanted to do is teach. it’s because the two teachers i’m with are honestly awful people. i dread just seeing emails from them. the thought of seeing them on monday already brings a pit to my stomach.
  • speaking of seeing them on monday, i have a huge race (my senior championship race) on friday which i emailed them about two days ago hoping to miss school for it. i haven’t miss any days and i think that i’ve been doing a fucking great job despite the terrible things they say about me. plus if i don’t go then my team doesn’t race and i can’t let them down like that. but also not having to see my teachers would be great. but part of me deep down thinks that they’ll say no because they honestly have it out to get me. they’re so hostile. more than anything i want them to say yes. but. they’re truly dreadful people.

well. that’s the basics. that’s what keeps me up at night. i’m so boring and lame, i know. i worry about my boyfriend and school and crew and that’s it. and teaching, but not in the classroom i’m in because that might just be the most godawful classroom ever.