a story for another time

it’s time i write about R. really, truly, emotionally, soul-barringly (is that even a word?) write about R. the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. when we were up, it was magic. it lasted less than a year, the real ups. when he told me he loved me every day, when he told me i was beautiful even at 5 in the morning. when he went out of his way to do nice things.

then we broke up the first time. and he saw someone else behind my back. didn’t think much to tell me. instead i found out because she texted him again while i was using his computer. he didn’t even try to deny it. “i didn’t tell you because i didn’t think it was a big deal.” i should have broken up with him right then, but i crave attention. i crave being loved. i crave being wanted. i crave stability and comfort and connection. so i stayed.

we broke up again the january before our last semester. it lasted 3 days because i begged him to come back to me. i hate myself for lowering myself to that level. he clearly didn’t care. he clearly had no problem tossing me aside whenever he felt he could.

our relationship was unhealthy as soon as we got back together the first time. there wasn’t the same love, there wasn’t the same passion, there wasn’t the same anything from him. “people change” and yes, they do, but not to the extreme that he did. i thought that not much could be worse than the emotional abuse and distress that jack put me through. he was above and beyond the worst boyfriend ever, until R. it was like he found joy in making me cry. like he thought it was funny or entertaining to ignore me for days on end because he was “just being petty.” it wasn’t funny, or entertaining. it was draining. no matter what i did for him, i wasn’t good enough. and he let me know that on a regular basis. too many tears were shed over him, but i also know that many more are yet to come.

there are too many nights that i can think of too vividly where i needed his help, i needed his support, i needed him, and he blew me off. or told me to calm down. or told me “later.” or told me that it wasn’t a big deal. or told me to get over myself and stop making rash decisions. or told me that this was childish and he thought that i had moved on from destructive coping mechanisms to healthy ones and that i only did things for attention. do you know how low you have to feel to cut yourself open? it’s not something you do for attention. i can tell you exactly how i was feeling, exactly how i didn’t want to but i had to, exactly how i regretted every step i took but couldn’t turn back because the only way i knew to feel better was to feel worse. but yes. tell me again how i am doing this for attention. i might be crazy, but that’s fucking sick.

there were good things though. he encouraged me to break out of my shell, make new friends, try new and exciting things. some things have stuck, others have not. i learned the most about myself with him. i learned what i don’t deserve. i learned what i don’t want in a relationship. i learned that i have to put myself first because there are people in the world who will tell you that they love you and then tear you down every chance that they get.

our final breakup was brutal. he didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks, and then he expected everything to go back to normal. he stopped telling me he loved me. instead i was told “you know how i feel” but i don’t. you don’t talk to me for 6 weeks, how am i supposed to know what that means? to me, that shows me you don’t love me. he told me what was wrong with me. he told me to leave him alone. he told me that i had always made his life harder. he told me that he didn’t think that i loved him because he was just a rebound from jack. if he was “just a rebound,” then why did we spend 3 years supposedly loving each other? U was a rebound. there have been others, and there will continue to be others. but he was not a rebound. he was someone i loved so deeply that losing him i still feel empty and i still feel sick whenever i think about how quickly he really moved on.

i think that i can move on. i know that i am capable of it, i spent the summer on dating apps and dating and exploring. but i also know i need to find the right person. the hard part is that i want to find them sooner rather than later. i want someone to love me and i want someone to love. in life, all i really want is to be loved, to be worth the world to someone. to be good enough for someone. i have never been good enough. i have always been so easy to walk away from. why is that? why am i so easy to leave behind? why am i so easy to forget?

i love him. i loved him. i love the old R, the one who cared and who was sweet and made me feel good about myself. i miss him. i miss him more than i let people know. i tell people that i don’t miss him, and that’s a lie. my heart still aches for him, and i still get a rush on the off chance that he sends me a snapchat (even though i know it’s meaningless).

i’m not sure i will ever fully stop hurting. i am healing, i know that. i am good at healing. i do it often. i will love. i will be loved. i will actually be loved, not the fake love that he tried to pass off as real. i am worthy. i will be good enough.

Advertisements

i didn’t think i would be okay

i didn’t think i would be okay after R broke up with me. i put too much faith in him and not that that’s a bad thing, but i forgot that life doesn’t always work according to plan. but, like, i’m fucking killing it! i’m going to europe next month with a guy that i think i like. lets call him U. i hate that i have moved on so quickly but the more i think about it, the more i realize how truly unhappy i was with R and how i counted on him to make me happy and it was unhealthy because in reality, he didn’t make me as happy as i could have been and as happy as i am. so i think i like U. but i don’t want to make assumptions that we are semi/actually exclusive but if we’re going to europe i’ve got to think that he probably likes me too as more than a hook up (but trust me, the hook up is great oh my god).

so there’s where i am. i’m happy, i’m traveling, i’m casually seeing a guy and i like casual because there’s no pressure to talk all the time (but it is nice to talk) and we hang out a lot, i stay over a decent amount. he asked about my scars once but was nice about me deflecting the question and didn’t push it. i don’t want to have the “what are we” talk though because i like what w have. i like it being relaxed. and honestly, he’s moving to boston in september for a job so like who even knows what will happen after that so i’ll enjoy where i’m at and yeah maybe summer is for sinning but damn i’m still fucking loving me and that’s what matters.

things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good. ┬ánot to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

i will be okay

a few years ago if you put me in this situation i would have spiraled out of control the rabbit hole would be back & getting out would be rly hard but i’m not that person anymore i have healthier coping mechanisms i have a better support system i know myself & my limits & i know how i feel. doesn’t mean i don’t feel like shit doesn’t mean i know what to do but does mean that if nothing else i actually literally will survive this.

my breakup with ryan ended up in an overdose. my breakup with connor ended up being too close to stitches for comfort. my breakup with jack ended up with food being the one thing i had control over. but i refuse to be that person again i’ll 100% cry nonstop, i’ve already left class twice to hide in the bathroom & cry but i haven’t externalized (or internalized to an extent lol) anything and i don’t plan on it which i am proud of. haven’t acted on anything even though i’ve 127% wanted to.

if i can get through half the shit i’ve gotten through then i can get through this. i am a survivor i am a thriver i am going to be okay.

wasting time or what

everyone is telling me to move on. i know he’s seeing my messages. i know he’s making the decision not to answer them. i know he’s going out with people so i know he is on his phone. do i even matter? does he even care? does he still love me?

everyone is telling me to move on. so i asked him if i was wasting my time or if he found a new boo or whatever. i regret asking. i don’t want to know even though i do know he’s been getting scary close with an old friend that he used to have a thing with who is also now single. so. there’s that. awesome. this hurts the most because i thought she and i were friends. who fucking does that?!

everyone is telling me to move on. in my heart of hearts, i don’t want to. he’s the love of my life. i don’t want him to be the one that got away. but if it’s not a 2-way street then i can’t force it. i don’t want to give up, but if he already has then what the fuck am i doing?