a story for another time

it’s time i write about R. really, truly, emotionally, soul-barringly (is that even a word?) write about R. the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. when we were up, it was magic. it lasted less than a year, the real ups. when he told me he loved me every day, when he told me i was beautiful even at 5 in the morning. when he went out of his way to do nice things.

then we broke up the first time. and he saw someone else behind my back. didn’t think much to tell me. instead i found out because she texted him again while i was using his computer. he didn’t even try to deny it. “i didn’t tell you because i didn’t think it was a big deal.” i should have broken up with him right then, but i crave attention. i crave being loved. i crave being wanted. i crave stability and comfort and connection. so i stayed.

we broke up again the january before our last semester. it lasted 3 days because i begged him to come back to me. i hate myself for lowering myself to that level. he clearly didn’t care. he clearly had no problem tossing me aside whenever he felt he could.

our relationship was unhealthy as soon as we got back together the first time. there wasn’t the same love, there wasn’t the same passion, there wasn’t the same anything from him. “people change” and yes, they do, but not to the extreme that he did. i thought that not much could be worse than the emotional abuse and distress that jack put me through. he was above and beyond the worst boyfriend ever, until R. it was like he found joy in making me cry. like he thought it was funny or entertaining to ignore me for days on end because he was “just being petty.” it wasn’t funny, or entertaining. it was draining. no matter what i did for him, i wasn’t good enough. and he let me know that on a regular basis. too many tears were shed over him, but i also know that many more are yet to come.

there are too many nights that i can think of too vividly where i needed his help, i needed his support, i needed him, and he blew me off. or told me to calm down. or told me “later.” or told me that it wasn’t a big deal. or told me to get over myself and stop making rash decisions. or told me that this was childish and he thought that i had moved on from destructive coping mechanisms to healthy ones and that i only did things for attention. do you know how low you have to feel to cut yourself open? it’s not something you do for attention. i can tell you exactly how i was feeling, exactly how i didn’t want to but i had to, exactly how i regretted every step i took but couldn’t turn back because the only way i knew to feel better was to feel worse. but yes. tell me again how i am doing this for attention. i might be crazy, but that’s fucking sick.

there were good things though. he encouraged me to break out of my shell, make new friends, try new and exciting things. some things have stuck, others have not. i learned the most about myself with him. i learned what i don’t deserve. i learned what i don’t want in a relationship. i learned that i have to put myself first because there are people in the world who will tell you that they love you and then tear you down every chance that they get.

our final breakup was brutal. he didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks, and then he expected everything to go back to normal. he stopped telling me he loved me. instead i was told “you know how i feel” but i don’t. you don’t talk to me for 6 weeks, how am i supposed to know what that means? to me, that shows me you don’t love me. he told me what was wrong with me. he told me to leave him alone. he told me that i had always made his life harder. he told me that he didn’t think that i loved him because he was just a rebound from jack. if he was “just a rebound,” then why did we spend 3 years supposedly loving each other? U was a rebound. there have been others, and there will continue to be others. but he was not a rebound. he was someone i loved so deeply that losing him i still feel empty and i still feel sick whenever i think about how quickly he really moved on.

i think that i can move on. i know that i am capable of it, i spent the summer on dating apps and dating and exploring. but i also know i need to find the right person. the hard part is that i want to find them sooner rather than later. i want someone to love me and i want someone to love. in life, all i really want is to be loved, to be worth the world to someone. to be good enough for someone. i have never been good enough. i have always been so easy to walk away from. why is that? why am i so easy to leave behind? why am i so easy to forget?

i love him. i loved him. i love the old R, the one who cared and who was sweet and made me feel good about myself. i miss him. i miss him more than i let people know. i tell people that i don’t miss him, and that’s a lie. my heart still aches for him, and i still get a rush on the off chance that he sends me a snapchat (even though i know it’s meaningless).

i’m not sure i will ever fully stop hurting. i am healing, i know that. i am good at healing. i do it often. i will love. i will be loved. i will actually be loved, not the fake love that he tried to pass off as real. i am worthy. i will be good enough.

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things aren’t so bad after all

R hasn’t talked to me in days other than to break up with me and tbh i’m okay with it. i’m good.  not to say that i don’t miss him a fuck ton and think about him a lot because i do. i think about him more often than i want to. i want to hate him, honestly, but i’ll never hate him. so many things in my day i want to share with him but have to remind myself that he doesn’t care. what hurt the most was that i really didn’t get closure. even if he didn’t mean it, it still really fucked me up and fucks me up that he couldn’t find the “emotional energy” to say (OR EVEN TYPE) “i love you” one last time. that fucking breaks my heart every time i think about it. that’s what gets me every night. i can be having a great day, but then i am alone and i am thinking because pretty much everything reminds me of him at this point (but i guess that’s what happens when you date for 3 years and basically live together for 9 months) and i just break down.

despite everything, i’ve been good. i’ve been putting myself out there. i’ve made new friends! and i know a rebound is bad but like i am a needy person. i need someone to tell me nice things sometimes, even if it’s superficial as fuck. in reality i need to not be alone with my thoughts and a stupid conversation will keep me distracted even if i have zero interest. but i think i have interest in one person. it’s probably just because i like the attention and i like having something to do and someone new to hang out with but i enjoy spending time with him. we’ve gone on a few dates and i’ve met all of his friends who like me. not sure where i stand with him but i’m okay with things as they are right now. it’s fun, it’s easy, it’s really the epitome of no strings attached.

i’m getting the boat i’ve always wanted to race this summer. three guys (my three favorite guys) from my senior 4 are racing with me and our coach (who is also one of my closest friends). i’m really excited for that. i’m really excited for summer racing, even more now than i was before i put this dream team boat together.

there are a lot of good things going on. this is good. things are good. things are only going to get better from here. i am feeling good. i am feeling positive. i am feeling like i am on my way to a much better place and the best summer that i have had in years!

i’ll perseverate as much as i want to

i miss R. i actually can’t put into words the world of hurt that i am living in right now. i can’t eat or keep anything down. i feel like i’m on the verge of passing out way too often. he told me they are just friends but i don’t know. how can i know when he won’t talk to me? yesterday he told me i was too much. so i’ve tried to leave him alone but i can’t seem to do it. yeah, i’m crazy. yeah, people probably think i’m psychotic. but mother fucker i can’t get him out of my mind for more that 5 minutes at a time. after a conversation last night when he basically told me to fuck off i deleted everything off of my phone except for the longer messages i have saved in my notes because i don’t have the heart to delete them and i also just really don’t want to see them because i already cry all the time as it is, i don’t need to make it worse.

i want to apologize to him. all i wanted to do was help him and make him feel better and in reality i just made things worse and i made things harder and if he and this girl do become a thing part of me thinks it’s my fault or it will be my fault. i’m sorry for the pain he’s going through. i’m sorry that he has to go through what he’s going through because no one should have to go through that, especially at such a young age. i’m sorry that i don’t know what to do to help. i’m sorry i made everything worse. i’m sorry i can’t seem to stop myself from continuing to make things worse. i’m sorry for everything that is going on, i’m sorry i am part of it, i’m sorry he is feeling the way that he is. i’m sorry that i can’t take that pain away from him. i’m sorry that it won’t go away for a long time or really honestly it probably won’t go away ever.

i miss him. i want to throw up. i want to hurt honestly i want to make something feel different and that scares me. i want/need help but he won’t help me. he has his own shit to deal with and i don’t blame him. i only make things worse for him. i probably need to get over myself because i’m not going to make things better and i’m just going to continue to push him away and push him to her and i fucking hate her she infuriates me and she makes my blood boil because my god if she takes him from me i don’t know what i’ll do because i don’t know what feeling comes after the way i am feeling now and i don’t want to know.

i used to have a tumblr, on a different but eventually related tangent. i wrote on it, i cried over it, i cried because of it, i was able to freely write how i was feeling and when i was feeling shitty and couldn’t verbalize it because talking about it makes it real, i showed it to him. part of me wants to show R my blog. i won’t because it’ll most likely overwhelm him and then he’s really going to be gone forever but like.. maybe then we could talk.

i don’t know if he knows how badly everything that is going on with his mom fucked me up. i tried really hard to hide it, but every time after he got off the phone (when he used to talk to me) i sobbed and i cried and i still do whenever i think about it. i wanted so fucking badly to be close with her. i wanted so fucking badly to love her and be loved by her. i did, do, love her. i miss her so fucking much and i know it’s not as much as R misses her but it’s more than he realizes. and i worry about him because of it. i need to know he’s okay. i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore i just need to know he’s okay or he will be okay because there’s no way someone can be okay after something like this.

god i’m so fucking pathetic. i probably look so fucking stupid sitting over here waiting for someone who doesn’t even care anymore it seems like to love me back and to give me the time of day. i would really do pretty much anything to hug him one last time. to hear his laugh. to see his smile. to smell him (that sounds creepy but like he smells so good). i would do even more for one last kiss. one last touch. anything. i am so fucking miserable. i have never been this miserable. i don’t know if there’s much lower i can go but every time i think that, i fall deeper into the rabbit hole. if i talk to him though that’s probably the end. so instead i’ll sit and i’ll cry and i’ll wait desperately for the day he maybe will love me again because i’m always going to love him. if this is the end, he’s the one that got away. that’s something that literally gives me nightmares. i can’t take it anymore. i need him i need to know i need to be fucking loved. god i’m so fucking pathetic. i hate myself too. ironic because this was going to be the summer where i learned to love myself but all i’ve done is learned to hate myself more and more each day so that’s good

wasting time or what

everyone is telling me to move on. i know he’s seeing my messages. i know he’s making the decision not to answer them. i know he’s going out with people so i know he is on his phone. do i even matter? does he even care? does he still love me?

everyone is telling me to move on. so i asked him if i was wasting my time or if he found a new boo or whatever. i regret asking. i don’t want to know even though i do know he’s been getting scary close with an old friend that he used to have a thing with who is also now single. so. there’s that. awesome. this hurts the most because i thought she and i were friends. who fucking does that?!

everyone is telling me to move on. in my heart of hearts, i don’t want to. he’s the love of my life. i don’t want him to be the one that got away. but if it’s not a 2-way street then i can’t force it. i don’t want to give up, but if he already has then what the fuck am i doing?

lonely

there’s a type of loneliness that can’t be filled by friends or family or a great job. there’s this deep loneliness that comes from losing something or someone and not knowing how to fill that void. people seek comfort in other people and they search for it in specific people. the thing is, i know exactly why i’m lonely. i see my friends all the time now and i go the extra mile and i don’t cancel when i’m tired because i know i need to be social and i know it’ll make me feel better. i have a great job that i love and i love my students and making a difference in their lives and seeing their smiling faces everyday and hearing the stories that they are so excited to tell me in the morning warms my heart and brings me so much joy. i am part of a great team and a great sport and i am surrounded with people who don’t take me for granted and who give me feedback and who build my confidence so that i can continue to be the best coxswain that i can be. but when i go to bed at night, i see the empty side of the bed. it’s silent in my room except for the sound of the ever whirring fan. it’s the worst feeling ever to know that if i roll over, i am rolling into an empty space, not the arms of someone i love dearly. he’s not there. and not only is he not there physically, but emotionally too. there’s so much shit going on in R’s life and i get it, i understand it. i’m not a bitch. but i am needy and i have needs to. and i try to leave him alone but i miss him so much and just for a few minutes a day i would love to feel like a priority to him. i know in my heart that i want to be with him forever. and call me crazy, but all i want right now is attention. something to hold on to. something to fill this void that is eating me from the inside out. i’ve started slipping back into some self-destructive tendencies and i know i am but i have no desire to stop. i’ve lost 12 pounds since moving home and i greatly look forward to losing more. i know i need to stop and to eat but like.. i don’t want to. i am so fucking empty inside that what’s the point of filling myself with food when food isn’t what i want? i feel like a shell in almost every aspect right now. and today i told him exactly how i felt about him and us and part of me regrets that because what if that’s the final straw and he thinks I’m too crazy? i want to go to him but i don’t want to burden him. i don’t want to push him away. he hardly talks to me as it is (mostly because he doesn’t have a phone  but even still. all i want is his attention for 10 minutes, 5 even, and to have a full conversation). i don’t know how he’s doing, i don’t know what’s going on in his life right now. i miss him. and yeah i probably sound crazy on here to but like who fucking cares anymore? might as well scream it to the fucking world that i am so beyond miserable and hurting so badly and the one person who can help isn’t there and i’m absolutely terrified that he’s going to forget about me.

i just want to know i’m loved and missed. i just want to know i’m cared for. i’m sick of being lonely. i’m sick of having an empty bed and silent evenings. i’m so fucking sick of feeling the way that i am feeling.

i don’t want to be lonely anymore i can’t do it i’m not a person who can be alone and not just because i’m a mental and emotional wreck. i don’t want to be alone but i don’t want to find solace in other people, not in the way that i crave it. there’s an R shaped hole in my heart and it’s fucking crushing me.

bittersweet, but still broken

so good news is that R has gotten over himself and realized that he was being an asshole and things are great again and i love him and he loves me and everything makes sense when we are together. it’s the only thing that ever makes sense.

shitty fucking news is that last night his mom died. i don’t know how to deal, i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to say. i keep googling what to do but i still feel helpless. he’s not even in the country now so that makes it even harder. he called me at 2:50am to tell me, and right after he told me he goes “you know, she really fucking loved you” and that broke my heart. this woman was one of the most selfless, loving, compassionate people i have ever met. i don’t speak spanish (they speak spanish at home, they’re from DR) but she always made sure to speak to English to me and teach me some words. she made me feel so welcomed. she posted about me graduating, she would message me on Facebook. the last thing i said to her was “happy mothers day!” on the dominican mothers day and now she’s gone. i guess i didn’t realize how much i meant to her until now. R says that i really need to up my spanish learning game (i’m learning slowly, languages are hard! if anyone has a rosetta stone download help a girl out!!!!!) so that i can go to DR and meet everyone because apparently for the last few months she has talked about me nonstop. i just really miss her. i miss her smile and i miss her hugs. i miss her laugh and how she made fun of everyone. i miss how she had no shame and did what made her happy. i miss how she had the ability to brighten up a room and make everyone in the room smile and laugh.

things are about to get even harder. the distance is already hell, and now the distance plus her death.. i don’t even know. i’m trying to go visit R as soon as he gets back to the states and as soon as school is out (but would love to go sooner). if nothing else, i’m glad that R forgave me and moved on before this happened because otherwise i don’t know what kind of state he would be in and he’s already in a terrible place. i just love him so much, i want to take away all of his pain and his hurt and make him better and i wish i could bring his mom back so fucking badly. fuck man. this spring/summer has been one of the worst on record.

i’ve actually ruined my life

so R broke up with me. there’s that. all because i’m such a drunken fucking moron. he left, he went back home (he’s not from here, we went to college together). and when he left, i was fucking miserable. i couldn’t stop crying and i still can’t stop crying. i cry at the most inconvenient times and i can’t help it. i just am so fucking weepy all the fucking time. so i went to a friends house and she just broke up with her boyfriend so naturally we drank several bottles of wine and cried. but we also both downloaded tinder. i don’t know why i thought that tinder would make me feel better because it really just made me feel worse. i kept pressing x (tbh i couldn’t figure out which way to swipe) and i kept searching for R . every person that came up was terrible. i know exactly what i want in a guy, and the thing is i know exactly who i want. i have zero desire to date. i can’t sleep on the right side of the bed even though i am home and in a new bed because that is his side of the bed. i fall asleep picturing him when he’s there, how much i love to be big spoon because i get to smell him and i fucking love his smell, how soft his skin is, holding him tightly and feeling him press up against me in return. and i wake up remembering how his face gets all squished in the morning and how his hair looks like a triangle, and how he always asks for “just 5 more minutes” but we both know it’ll be closer to 15. how the best part of my day was waking up next to him and how it was so worth being late if it meant we got to lay in bed and snuggle for a few more minutes. but i ruined everything because i fucking downloaded tinder for an hour thinking i would find some relief in knowing that there are other people out there as i wallowed in my loneliness but in reality all it did was reinforce what i already knew and that is that R is the one for me. now he hates me. he barely talks to me. i don’t blame him, but this is the fucking worst. after everything we have endured that life has thrown at us, of course it’s my fault in the end.

but wait! there’s more! not only did i download tinder, but one night after practice i was hungry. mind you, this is at like 9 at night because practice ends at 8:30. i want moes because i just really wanted nachos and they have chips and queso so close enough. i run into this guy who is lost, looking for who knows what, but wants to know where he can get ice cream, specifically a sundae (that’s important). i’m bored, i’m lonely, i decided why not help him out. i make awkward small talk, he makes awkward small talk, we walk into insomnia cookies. FUCKING OF COURSE there is R’s old roommate with his girlfriend. i say hi and then tell this guy that there are no sundaes here, but there is a place across the street that 100% does. IT STILL GETS BETTER. this guy is on a date. or was going to be until some girl saw us walk over. MIND YOU, I AM JUST TRYING TO GET CHIPS AND QUESO SO THAT I CAN GO HOME AND CRY AND EAT. so she starts screaming at me and at him. i get ice cream (because like lets be real, i love ice cream and maybe that’ll make me feel better. it doesn’t) and leave. but the damage is done. but also like, if you disregard everything and let’s say i am dating, why the fuck would i go on a date after practice??? the only thing i want to do is eat and sleep and it sucks that he doesn’t believe me. he knows me better than anyone.

R’s friends found my tinder, even though i deleted it the next day when i woke up. and of course his old roommate told him about what happened at insomnia cookies (i understand what it looked like, yes, but it wasn’t a date. i didn’t even know the stupid fucking guy). and now he hates me. like actually full on hates me. i don’t know what, if anything, i can do to fix this. if nothing else, at least he is still talking to me. barely, but it’s better than nothing. i need him to believe me. i need him to trust me. i need him to love me. i need him in my life. whenever i picture my future i picture it with him. now i don’t know what to do or what is going to happen. we made so many plans that i was so excited for.

i doubt he’ll ever see this. i doubt he’ll ever know how much this kills me. he texted me “you broke my fucking heart” and every time i think of that text i lose it. i need to see him.

i miss him so much it hurts. my heart aches. my body aches. i have so much love to give him that i want to give him for the rest of my life, that i am ready to give him for the rest of my life. i was supposed to visit at the end of june. it’s a month away. i really don’t pray, but i’m fucking praying that he lets me visit, even if it’s strictly platonic.

R, if you ever see this know that i love you endlessly and know that i hate myself more than you hate me right now. i don’t know what to do to fix this, but know that i am going to try everything that i can.

fuck man.

so close to the end

in 13 days, i will have graduated college. part of me is exciting! i have a job that literally starts the monday after i graduate.  i am moving home to save money (and get away from a roommate that is hell on earth..  R brings out the trash, does the dishes, cleans up, and even buys more t.p. than she does and he doesn’t even officially live here!). i have a new coaching job that i am very happy with.

but in 6 days, i am done being a student athlete. that’s not something that i want to give up. i want to win a race so fucking badly. we should have won on saturday. i cried the rest of the day. second place is also known as the first losers.

in 13 days, i don’t know if i’m going to be a girlfriend anymore (if R wants to know why i want a ring/promise ring so badly it’s because no matter what ends up happening between us, i want something to remember forever that someone/R loves me because whatever happens, no one is going to love me as much as he loves me and i’m the worst girlfriend ever most of the time).

i need these last 2 weeks to slow the fuck down. i need to get some answers from R but i’m afraid to ask because i’m afraid of what the answer is. i would be okay with these next 2 weeks never ending because i am terrified of the future. absolutely terrified.

blogs are funny

blogs are funny because you are sending your whole heart into some crazy black whole where anyone with internet access can reach into the dusty corners of your mind and see what you’re up to. blogs are funny because sometimes it’s easier to write what you want to say instead of saying it. words have a strange power that way.

i guess i made this because there’s so much that is always bouncing around in my head, but more often than not i don’t know how to get it out. i don’t want to say it; if i say it then it becomes real. so how and why does typing it make it any different?

the nice thing about being online is that no one has to know who you are to know what is going on in your life. more even than those closest to you know. there’s really only one person ever who has been to the dusty dark parts of my mind and come back and still love me. i’ll call him R. he’s amazing. but there are things that i can’t say out loud, even 3 years later. why? because i don’t want to admit it’s real. fairly simple. so here it goes i guess. a nice lil list of the shit in my head at the moment that i’m too scared to say out loud:

  • R is leaving after graduation and after that i don’t know when i’m going to see him again and that’s fucking terrifying because this guy has my whole fucking heart.
  • i’m a selfish bitch and i want a ring from R, not like an engagement ring, but just something to wear and be able to see and reminds me of him when he’s gone.
  • R and i broke up this semester because of graduation and his mom being sick and having to go home to his family (we got back together) which i understand and i get but like please don’t break up with me? i can tell you for damn sure that he’s the one i know i want to be with forever. like i’ll move to him (he is originally from out of state, we go to college together). i’ll wait a year at home and save up and then come. hell, i’ll wait two years if that’s what it takes. but i do not want to break up. he’s the one i know it. that’s part of why i want a ring because i want to know that he is committed to the future as well. but like still not an engagement ring. i just can’t fucking lose him. he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
  • once when we were tripping he sort of proposed and said we should have a secret wedding and get married like in a court room and have a secret holiday just for us. i’d totally do that right this second if it meant a future with him forever.
  • my student teaching placement makes me miserable. i do not want to go back to the classroom, and all i have ever wanted to do is teach. it’s because the two teachers i’m with are honestly awful people. i dread just seeing emails from them. the thought of seeing them on monday already brings a pit to my stomach.
  • speaking of seeing them on monday, i have a huge race (my senior championship race) on friday which i emailed them about two days ago hoping to miss school for it. i haven’t miss any days and i think that i’ve been doing a fucking great job despite the terrible things they say about me. plus if i don’t go then my team doesn’t race and i can’t let them down like that. but also not having to see my teachers would be great. but part of me deep down thinks that they’ll say no because they honestly have it out to get me. they’re so hostile. more than anything i want them to say yes. but. they’re truly dreadful people.

well. that’s the basics. that’s what keeps me up at night. i’m so boring and lame, i know. i worry about my boyfriend and school and crew and that’s it. and teaching, but not in the classroom i’m in because that might just be the most godawful classroom ever.