a few years ago if you put me in this situation i would have spiraled out of control the rabbit hole would be back & getting out would be rly hard but i’m not that person anymore i have healthier coping mechanisms i have a better support system i know myself & my limits & i know how i feel. doesn’t mean i don’t feel like shit doesn’t mean i know what to do but does mean that if nothing else i actually literally will survive this.
my breakup with ryan ended up in an overdose. my breakup with connor ended up being too close to stitches for comfort. my breakup with jack ended up with food being the one thing i had control over. but i refuse to be that person again i’ll 100% cry nonstop, i’ve already left class twice to hide in the bathroom & cry but i haven’t externalized (or internalized to an extent lol) anything and i don’t plan on it which i am proud of. haven’t acted on anything even though i’ve 127% wanted to.
if i can get through half the shit i’ve gotten through then i can get through this. i am a survivor i am a thriver i am going to be okay.
it’s days like these when i think back the most to the me i was 4 years ago. addicted to the rush of seeing myself bleed, addicted to the sting that came, addicted to seeing my flesh split open so easily. like cutting through butter once i figured out the right angle. it’s day like these where i stare at my body with morbid fascination, wondering where i could decorate myself but have no one see. i haven’t been this sick (because let’s face it that’s what it is. it’s an illness, an addiction, an obsession) in a long time. yeah i’ve slipped up here and there and made some shallow attempts of what i used to know but what i feel now? this is big this is too much this is not a feeling i ever wanted to feel again yet here i am.
that’s a different version of me, not one i want to be today. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to be better. i don’t want to be fixed because i’ll never be fixed because i’m not broken i’m just fucked up. also like, you can’t fix bipolar disorder even though i wish you could. i don’t want to go back to the old me. i’m trying really hard not to but asking for help is my least favorite thing ever. i dream in red. i scare myself. i know what i want to do but i won’t do it. i know who i want to talk to but i can’t do it.
all of these posts are stupid. i’m stupid. i don’t know why i bother with things because i don’t want to write it out on a website and still hide how i really feel. i want to be able to share it and talk about it and figure out what the fuck is going on. what a concept.